The slamming of the lobby door was quiet, in fact the sound was nearly non-existent as the door was on a slow moving hinge. The entire research group looked up anyway as Buffy furiously stormed across the marble floor, her gaze barely taking them in as she headed in their direction. No one said a word, although almost everyone hoped this was a sign that researching was done for the day. The door had just returned to a closed position when it was shoved open again, the metal handle complaining as Faith's strong hand gripped it just a little too tightly. She never even spared a quick look at the people gathered together on the two half-moon sofas that surrounded the large coffee tables. A wingback chair had been dragged over from an adjacent table, its occupant's back facing the intruders. He never moved, merely uttered two words:

"Splendid, truly."

Faith's stare lasered in on the furious Slayer directly ahead of her.

"You are being so fucking stupid!"

Buffy stopped on a dime, but didn't turn around.

"Oh, really?"

The calmness in her reply sent a clear warning to everyone in the vicinity, everyone apparently except for Faith.

"Yeah, really, and if you'd stop takin' off like some dumb chick in distress, I could explain to you just what a fucking idiot you are!"

"Oh, boy."

Now it was Willow who decided to offer a two word commentary, her voice soft and in some variation expressing exactly what everyone else in the gang was thinking. Buffy whirled, striding back to Faith, and it wouldn't have been surprising if flames had trailed out behind her as she went.

"I'm the idiot here? Me?"

"Well it sure isn't me! You're the one acting all…"

Buffy was incredulous:

"Oh my God, you're so stupid you don't even have the sense just to apologize!"

"Apologize? You're the one who…"

"I was right there, Faith, I watched you! I know exactly what was going on and when I decided to join in on your private conversation…"

"What private conversation? I was standing right out in the open, so how's it anywhere near private? Maybe you oughta grab a dictionary and get some shit defined for you!"

Buffy's temper was obviously becoming difficult for her to control:

"Well, one thing I don't need defined is that you're an asshole!"

"Wow, so clever, Buffy. Must be all that fancy schoolin'."

Buffy's shocked gasp sounded out loud:

"I knew it! You never wanted me to go back to college!"

"What the hell? Are you fucking hallucinating? I never said that or anything even close to it!'

"I told you before I started that if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right. And what did you say?"

Faith's expression was one of confused anger:

"How the hell's that got anything to do with…"

"You said – 'Hey, no prob, B. I'll pick up the slack, you don't gotta worry about a thing'."

"I know what the fuck I said! You tryin' to say I haven't had your back this whole fucking time?"

"All I know is that I took you at your word and now you're…"

"Hey, my word's gold! I been perfect, letting you sit around with a laptop up your ass 24/7. I haven't even bitched once, not even when you…"

******************************************************************

Willow

This is definitely something to see if what you wanted to see was an ugly, ulcer causing fight. Although I have to admit that Buffy and Faith both look pretty hot when they argue, and since it's not exactly a rare occurrence, it's nice that at least something positive comes out of it. I guess I always tend to overreact a little bit, I just don't like conflict very much. At least I've gotten a lot better about believing they aren't going to kill each other in a Slayer fueled rage anymore. They made an agreement pretty soon after the Fall of Sunnydale that they were going to limit their fighting to verbal fisticuffs only, unless Faith went evil again.

"Well, yeah, B. Not expecting a handshake to hold ya back if I kill Willow."

True, another example would have been a lot more reassuring at the time, but I understood what she was trying to say. Still, being used as a homicidal example by a formerly homicidal maniac will keep a girl on high alert for quite a spell, and it was a huge relief of the enormous kind to see firsthand that Faith really was a different person.

So as unlikely as it had always seemed to me, Faith eventually became a good friend of mine. I love and trust her now, but of course that doesn't mean I don't know there's still a bit of the crazy zipping around inside of her. I also know that she still carries a mighty big knife that tends to answer questions before anyone's even asked them, but I also know she can control herself, with or without Buffy in the nearby vicinity. I'm so confident of her now, I'd be willing to testify on her behalf in any courtroom in the land. She totally gets the Willow Rosenberg Seal of Approval.

Now most of the time when she loses her temper she tends to resemble nothing so much as a Tasmanian Devil, but it's usually the cute Looney Tunes one, not the carnivorous marsupial. And okay, yes, while she can unfortunately channel the scary real life one a lot more than anybody would like, she manages to handle it pretty darn well. Besides, we'd all been wanting a new TV for months, so that snowstorm knocking out the power during The Patriots overtime did us all a big favor…Gee, I wonder if perjury always results in actual jail time?

But back to the Slayer Peace Accord or the Honda Accord as Buffy likes to call it when she's in one of the company cars. She and Faith definitely had an agreement, but it didn't really change much of anything. Buffy still didn't trust her at all, but Faith to her credit and my surprise hung in there, proving herself day after day without any complaint, and finally Buffy started giving her a tiny bit of breathing room in return. There was still way more than a little of the Slayer in Buffy's eyes whenever she looked at Faith, but Faith just pretended not to notice and kept on keeping on. She let all of us see her good qualities  and it turned out, again with the surprise, that Faith had a bunch of them.

She's really funny and a lot smarter than she ever let on in Sunnydale, and she was past grateful to be getting a second chance from us. We already knew she was crazy brave and a great fighter, now we got to see how loyal and dedicated she could be. It didn't take that long before she made it difficult not to like and trust her, and one by one we fell, forgiving what had come before and starting fresh with a Faith who was impossible to resist. Buffy was the toughest one to convince, but little by little she started giving in until all Faith got from her was Buffy, no sign of The Slayer anywhere in sight.

It was of the good for everybody to live without that constant tension between them whenever they were near each other, except it didn't quite work out like that. Almost as soon as one tension disappeared, another one took its place, and it wasn't really all that different. The only thing that had changed was that there was no longer any dislike or distrust involved, it had been replaced by a red hot, obvious attraction. There was a huge increase with the flirting and the making with the eyes, and oh goodness, did it ever get hot in here, wherever they were.

The sparks had always sparked between them, but they were just kids back in Sunnydale and there were just too many obstacles in the way. When everything finally spiraled out of control, they had no idea how to put things right and no time to try and figure it out. But here in the now, that was now back then a ways, it sure looked like they had plenty of time and ideas, all with nary an obstacle in sight. It appeared to be nothing but smooth sailing ahead, which as Xander immediately pointed out:

"Will, that's crazy talk. We're talking about Buffy. And we're talking about Faith. Then to cap it all off – we're talking about Buffy and Faith. Together."

He was right, of course he was, and while I was mega happy for them, I realized what it could actually mean for those of us who stood fray adjacent as The Chosen Two went for it romantically. I thought that probably the safest thing to do would be to pack a bag in case I had to skedaddle in a hurry, which I suppose is the only speed at which one can skedaddle, but I chose instead to stay at my post and cheer them on. That's a best friend's job as well as a Slayerette's duty, and even though I wasn't quite sure how it was supposed to go from that point forward, I stood firm as someone's backup should stand. I was so firm you could have bounced a ball off of me.

It wasn't easy. Buffy wasn't exactly at her most forthcoming with the details, which was a little bit irritating at first until I realized it wasn't fair to expect her to have all the answers. This wasn't a typical relationship for her, although once I thought about it, I realized that aside from Faith being a woman, things lined up pretty well with her previous romances with Angel and Spike. And it's not that I'm minimizing the gay part of it, I just know from talking to Buffy that being attracted to a woman wasn't her biggest worry or even really a worry at all.

"I kind of dealt with that part of it years ago. Now she's just Faith, Will, and I don't think of her as anything but that, you know?"

I did know, and what I also knew was that Buffy was in a tizzy because she couldn't understand how it was happening in the first place. I kind of felt like that myself because these are two people who have some of the ugliest history ever in all of history, and now they were going to try and get past it on their way to having a loving, supportive, grownup relationship. Buffy was absolutely right to be tizzied, but she was also right to be as determined as she was to see it through:

"I might be making a huge mistake they can see from outer space, but it's Faith and she's…We're different now, and I really want to see what's between us. I think maybe it's what we've both been looking for, but who knows? Maybe I just want to sleep with her."

Reasonable assumptions, one and all, so there I was – at my post and ready to help where I could as they tried to turn the world's biggest frown upside down. Just to see them making the effort was downright inspiring, and then they were doing it even one better: they were actually making a go of it. I'd had no idea either of them could be so mature, but they were and still are, although you couldn't prove it at the moment.

They're still arguing and I can tell Buffy is really mad. In Faith's defense, it's not like Buffy's a big old placid ball of Slayer either, and although she's not as hair trigger and always simmering right there under the surface ready to erupt like Faith is, Buffy does have a temper of her own. Most of the time she's pretty easygoing, but when she does lose it, you sure don't want her directed at you. She's not above cutting somebody to ribbons – verbally or physically, and no one in their right mind would ever try to make her mad. Except Faith.

She often agitates Buffy on purpose because she thinks it's funny, and she's told me so more than once:

"Sometimes I gotta bunch her panties, ya know? 'Sides, B never looks hotter or cooler than when she's pissed."

About Buffy having all of the temperatures covered, I get what she means. Still, it seems like a pretty dangerous game to play just to enjoy the view, but Spike was like that too. Faith pushes a lot of the same "Buffy" buttons he did, but the difference is that Faith is more than ready and willing to stomp on them and go from zero to sixty in an instant.

Faith's also better than Spike at keeping a straight face at times like those, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen a smirk sneaking through a bunch of times or her eyes lighting up like it's Christmas Day and time to open the presents. If Buffy notices, she never says a word and it sure doesn't stop her from getting mad either. I guess maybe it's a complicated game being played by two very complicated women, and while I don't fully understand it, I know for sure it works for them in a way it never would with me.

I prefer my partners to be on the quiet side of romantic partnering, peaceful and gentle like Oz and Tara, and yes, I'm aware that doesn't remotely explain how I ended up with Kennedy.  Not that I'm sorry about that, not really. I love her and she's good to me, and sometimes when it's just us, she can be incredibly sweet and gentle too. Heck, once in a while she even manages to pull off peaceful, and no matter what mood she's in, the sex is always…Well, it's only on a need to know basis, except sometimes when Buffy and I dish the dirt. Buffy's a great listener, even though she usually gets this look on her face like she's nauseated, and I guess I can't blame her. She doesn't like Kennedy and while that feeling is definitely mutual, at least now Kennedy usually gives Buffy most of the respect she deserves.

 It also carries a lot of weight with Buffy that Kennedy makes me happy:

"Hey, I don't have to understand, Will. I can see it and a part of me loves her for that."

It's sweet and while I know Buffy means it one hundred percent, I also know her next honest sentence would mosey over into much less lovey dovey territory:

"However, all of my other major parts would like to pound the crap out of her, rinse and repeat. How do we get that ball rolling?"

But she never says anything like that because Buffy is totally all about being the bestest best friend ever, even if she has to juggle a feather, a stake, and a bowling ball without smashing someone's head in…most likely Kennedy's…to make it happen. Faith, however, has no such considerations to make and she doesn't.

Oh I'm sure if you asked her, she'd like for me to be happy, but I'm way down the list of what it takes to keep her living large. Faith needs just three things for her own happiness: sex, slaying, and Buffy, and since they're all tied up together, technically she really just needs one. Buffy, Blondie, Twinkie, Little Miss Stick Up Her Ass, Slayer, Princess, The Golden Girl, Little Miss High and Mighty, and above all else: B.

Faith loves Buffy more than anyone has ever loved anything, and I'm completely serious when I say I don't believe any of the great lovers throughout time have anything on her. Looking back, I think it hit Faith at first sight, but then I also think that's just the effect Buffy has on almost everybody. We're all smitten in various ways and to varying  degrees, so why should Faith have been any different from anybody else?

Sometimes though, it gets to Faith and she hates whenever her "tough guy" persona is nowhere to be found. At those times she tries to pretend she can take it or leave it, and it's so funny to watch, although I wouldn't advise you to allow Faith to get so much as a hint that you find it cute and amusing. Buffy understands and always give her some leeway, but then after some mysterious, constantly changing time limit known only to Buffy runs out, she'll stop Faith right in her tracks. An hour, a day or two, maybe even a week will go by, but then she'll smile at Faith in a way that could best be called "wicked", and with a sometimes metaphorical, sometimes literal crook of her finger, she'll have Faith running back to her side.

It happens less and less over the years, but the episodes still occur more than I'd like them to if I were them, the Slayers, not the episodes. Piecemealing the clues together, I think it's just that sometimes Faith hates to admit she's "whipped", so she has to pretend otherwise:

"Listen, I run my own show, always have, always gonna."

Yes, right, of course she does…if that's what Buffy wants.

It works good for them because Faith will probably always needs to let off a little steam once in a while and Buffy will probably always understand, plus no "probably" about it – Buffy's always been the kind of girl who likes to demonstrate who's boss every once in a while. The whole thing works perfectly for them, letting them both sometimes get something they need once in a while.

That's not to imply Buffy doesn't love Faith and is just playing games with her. Nope, Buff is dead serious and head over heels for Faith with everything that's in her. Turns out there's a lot more in her than anybody realized, even me, and in Buffy's mind Faith is Angel and Spike rolled into one and multiplied by about a hundred million bazillion, Buffy's conservative estimate.

"She's the most perfect, delicious package of deliciousness ever made. She's funny, smart, sweet, way easy on the eyes, always smells good, and she's the best lover I've ever had, Will, hands down. Or up. Or even roaming around somewhere in the middle."

Buffy often refers to Faith as the love of her life and based on everything I've seen, I believe that's true. I've never seen Buffy so happy, so secure, so light, and so willing to face any problem head on until they can work it out. She knows Faith so well and she loves every part of her, even the parts that scare everyone else. She's never tried to change her, not really, and she usually looks at her like she can't believe she got so lucky. Buffy, not Faith, although if I asked, I'm sure Buff would say Faith got lucky too.

But I got sidetracked there. I was explaining that Faith can't stand Kennedy either, but unlike Buffy, she has no real reason to hold back from killing her. Well, not "killing her" killing her, but let's just say they're more in the category of violent co-workers who manage to work together and get the job done when they absolutely have to, which is pretty admirable and amazing, all things considered, rather than pals or polite acquaintances.

No one except me, well, and Kennedy, really likes Kennedy all that much. I guess that's kind of to be expected, she's just one of those people who tend to say things the wrong way even when they're trying to be nice, and her baseline personality is usually set right at low level irritating. When it comes to the slaying stuff she has a tendency to be a little arrogant and bossy in the best of times, and outright obnoxious and bossy squared in all the others. To say that Faith doesn't appreciate her attitude is to understate your pants off, and she doesn't hesitate to put Kennedy in her place.

For example, a couple of days ago the Senior Staff were meeting in the conference room. Buffy was seated at the head of the long table with Vi, Chao-Ahn, Rona, Dawn, Kennedy, and me filling up the rest of the chairs. Faith was sitting by herself on a little table off to the side, her hands gripping the edges, her legs swinging slowly as she stared down at the floor. Buffy passed out the bi-weekly schedules and Kennedy obviously didn't like hers. She chose to express her displeasure by mumbling under her breath a little too loudly, despite the fact that we've talked about not doing stuff like that a million times. It turns out that's just how she is and no amount of talking can change it, so I decided a long time ago if she wants to disagree with everything Buffy says or she wants to annoy Faith until she blows, well, fingers crossed because I can't stop her.

Thankfully Buffy brought the – "I Love Willow Approach" to the disturbance, which Faith says is a lot like bringing a knife to a gunfight. I'm not positive I really get that, but I think I get it enough not to ask. Anyway, Buffy led with a little Swiss Army knife.

"Kennedy, do you need to say something?"

"I guess it can wait."

"Okay, good. So you guys have got your assignments and Rona, thanks again for volunteering to…"

"But you just keep making the same stupid mistake."

Buffy flushed a little, but carried on:

"…take the Newbies. I owe you big and…"

Kennedy went back to grumbling under her breath:

"I just can't believe it's so hard for you to…"

"Hey, Potential 23, wanna stuff a sock in it?"

And we're off, with Sore Spot #1 kicked right in the shin. What is that sore spot, you ask? It's that Kennedy can only ever be the third best Slayer, no matter how hard she tries or how skilled she gets. Buffy and Faith routinely beat her at everything all the time and it drives Kennedy absolutely insane.

"Well how would you feel, Will, if you always had to be third in line no matter what?"

I reassure her that she's a great Slayer in her own right, and she really is, but I don't ever mention that coming in third isn't actually guaranteed as her spot. Vi and Chao-Ahn are amazing Slayers too, and on any given day they might be the best of the rest. And let's not forget that Rona's no slouch either, and has been known to slay herself right up to the top of the Slayer Ranking List that only Kennedy insists on keeping track of.

Giles has a theory, and although no one can be absolutely positive, it seems to make the most sense, plus did I mention it comes from Giles? He thinks that because Buffy and Faith were chosen the old fashioned way, their mojo is stronger than all of the other Slayers. It's like they're 100% concentrated Slayer right from the tree and everybody else is that diluted stuff you find late at night at the convenience store.

It's really not that big of a deal, but Faith knows how much it irritates Kennedy, so she calls her "Potential 23" just to rile her up. I keep telling Kennedy if she just wouldn't react, Faith would stop. I also point out that Kennedy tends to bring most of these moments on herself by being bratty to Buffy, but she can't seem to stop doing that either.  

So when Faith asked if "Potential 23 wanted to stuff a sock in it", it kind of got Kennedy's hackles hackled:

"Not really. I'm looking at my duties which are pretty less than, and wondering why I always get the shit patrol."

"Maybe 'cause you're not in Silver Spoon Land anymore."

Sore Spot #2 hit the funny bone in the way that hurts and numbs your whole arm, but Kennedy wasn't backing down, which is never a good thing, at least not in this kind of situation.

"Well sorry, Faith, but I don't think Buffy handing out cushy assignments to her favorites is…"

Faith slid off the table and her expression wasn't pleasant.

"Trying to say it's about me and B sleeping together?"

"You think it's not?"

Faith shrugged:

"What I think is, in honor of you fucking Red, why don't I just shove a broom handle…"

Buffy quickly decided to use her powers of de-escalation:

"Okay, that's enough! Faith, just stop it and Kennedy, I promise you I am not doing the assignments based on who's doing who…whom…whomever…whatever, okay? You guys are getting all worked up over nothing."

Kennedy was on her feet too and it's not often you see two people standing so close to each other without touching, unless you hang around with me because I unfortunately see it all the time. It was clearly my turn to try out my own de-escalation powers…

"Kennedy, honey, come sit back down."

"Not this time, Will. If she wants a fight, fine!"

…that don't work any better than Buffy's.

Faith smiled, the scary one that meant she was going to kill someone:

"Wow, check it out. Silver Spoon's gonna be a real bad ass, all without a servant in sight."

Correction, this one was the "Whole Arm Numbing Funny Bone" strike, that previous one was just the basic "Toe Stub".

Buffy tried again:

"Kennedy, I…"

"Better let me break it down for her, B. Buffy wants you to shut the fuck up."

"Wow, Faith, do you have your hand up her back now?"

"Yeah, and some other places too."

Buffy went completely red at that comment:

"Faith…"

Kennedy went right with Faith and ignored Buffy:

"That's so great, but I'm just wondering how you doing the boss means I have to get screwed."

"And I'm wondering how you're gonna look with your face punched to the back of your head."

"Ooh, scary, but you'd better check with Buffy first to see if you have permission."

And now it was Faith's sore spot getting poked, and Buffy and I both rushed to get between them.

"Whoa! Okay…Sweetie, sweetie, let's not force Faith to kill you."

Buffy had to physically restrain Faith, but Kennedy eased away with me willingly because even though she doesn't like it, she knows she can't take Faith. Faith, on the other hand, continued to struggle against Buffy because…well, because she's Faith and when she's mad, she couldn't care less if she can take her opponent or not. Kennedy, an army of Polgara demons, a new vamp rising from its grave, it's all the same to her.

"Let go of me, B! I'm gonna…"

"Faith…"

"…teach her some fucking..."

Just like always, all it took to calm things down was Buffy softly saying one letter:

"F."

No matter how mad Faith is, she immediately lets it go when Buffy uses that tone of voice with her. It's like flipping a switch and that time was no different. Faith stared at Kennedy for a few seconds, then rolled her eyes and went back to sit on top of the little table, tense moment completely diffused. Buffy is always the clear winner whenever it comes to de-escalation tactics, and do you have any idea how hard it is to come in second best all the time?

Maybe I should try saying: "K" all sexy and pleading with a touch of amusement thrown in for good measure. Of course "K" sounds like 'kay, and could be confused with approval regarding Kennedy's stupid behavior at the worst possible time. Yeah, I think I'd better leave that one up to Buffy.

The funny thing is that Faith's reaction to Buffy at those moments really does pretty much prove that Kennedy has a valid point, but even though she can be stupid sometimes, she's not stupid enough to gloat about it right in front of Faith and Buffy. She also knows that everything hinges on keeping Buffy on the softer side of things because if the Head Slayer ever decides she's had enough, it would only take one word to send us all sliding down that slippery slope where Faith takes care of any and all problems her girl has, and I'm sitting beside Kennedy's hospital bed trying to decide if she's asking for a sip of water or the remote control. It's not easy figuring out what someone's saying with their jaw wired shut.

That's just a joke…I think.

Oops, again with the sidetrack. I'm still not really sure what they're arguing about, but Faith seems to think she's right, which probably isn't right. Or maybe I should say I don't think Buffy's going to let it be right. You know how that is in a relationship –sometimes the truth doesn't matter, not like other things do, and it looks like Faith has made Buffy mad enough that she'll have to admit she's wrong if she wants Buffy to let it go. But maybe not, I mean, what do I know?

Well, only this: Even though Buffy is completely furious right now, she is also completely alive. She seems to be right where she belongs, right where she wants to be, even though she clearly wants to kill Faith and kill her dead. But there is a bottom line here and it's a pretty simple one: Buffy Anne Summers looks exactly like what she is – a happy, contented, well annoyed, and well loved woman, and that is a sight I will never, ever get tired of seeing.

*****************************

"…stood me up about a thousand times."

"I never stood you up once! I called each and every time."

"Then I go to the coffee shop to surprise ya and you're hanging all over that guy."

Buffy rolled her eyes:

"Yes, that's right, Faith. I've gone back to men and I thought I'd start with an eighteen year old boy."

"How do I know what the hell you're doin'? You were practically giving him a lap dance!"

"A lap dance? I was trying to get a muffin out of his hair."

Faith flung her hands out to her sides:

"And how'm I s'posed to know that?"

Buffy was looking at Faith like she was the stupidest person on Earth:

"Maybe because I said: 'Hi, Faith. Give me a second, I'm trying to get a muffin out of his hair!"

Faith paced back and forth in front of Buffy:

"If you expect me to follow a bunch of fancy college…"

"Which word was too much for you, Faith? Muffin?"

"Call me stupid all ya like, but…"

"I didn't call you stupid, but you're definitely giving a good performance as a moron."

Faith stopped right in front of Buffy and glared:

"So how would you like it to walk in and see me grooming some guy like a monkey?"

"I repeat: he's eighteen years old and he's not just some guy. He's my genius lab partner who's helping me get an A in a class I'd be struggling just to pass on my own."

"What a fucking hero! So what's his fee? Gotta do him a little favor, right?"

Buffy's face reddened and her eyes tried to incinerate Faith:

"So because of a sweet, nerdy eighteen year old lab partner with muffin crumbs in his hair, you're going to make me break our agreement?"

"What agreement?"

"The agreement we made to never hit each other again. Of course I wasn't aware back then that you'd be calling me a whore somewhere down the line."

"Whore? What? When? I'd never call you that or anything like it!"

Buffy laughed, but not happily:

"So what then, you were implying I was going to do him the favor of covering his paper route?"

Faith rubbed her cheek even though it hadn't been slapped:

"Christ, I didn't mean it like that. Was thinking some lame "Brady Bunch" crap, like you had be his fake date to the prom."

"I'm not seeing a difference, Faith."

*****************************************

Xander

So this is kind of…kind of Buffy and Faith like. At first I could have kissed them for ruining the "research party", which is unbelievably what Giles called it. Oh yeah, you wild party animal, you. After all these years of doing this you sure fooled me, and my RSVP is in the mail. We've been going at it for almost three hours now and I've spent the last two contemplating all the ways I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. So far, beyond a paper cut of the severest kind, I'm stymied, but they don't call me "Xander" for nothing. Okay, that doesn't really make any sense, but it sounds cool and I am all about the cool. Ask anyone who doesn't know me.

The point I'm attempting to make in one of the most roundabout ways ever, is that Sundays are not made for demon exploration. Collating and cross-referencing volumes are also out, and in no way should there ever be any conjugating of the verbs. Not that we were doing that last one, I just threw it in anyway because I hated that in school almost as much as I hated math. And isn't it interesting that all these years later, just like I suspected, I've never needed those skills in real life. Two plus two equals four and I'm not going any further with it. I can just use a calculator or stick close to Willow and let her do all the necessary mathimacating for two. That's the plan I came up with at seven years old and it's still working like a charm.

It's not that I'm stupid, I just tend to be lazy and I'm still not into homework. I'm more the kind of man who requires a sofa, a TV, and some really good eats on a Sunday that's filled with frequent naps and even more frequent episodes of me saying:  I'm just resting my eye. Force me to think on the Lord's Day and it won't be long before we're both smelling smoke from my overtaxed brain, and who wants that on their conscience?

But no one heeds my warnings, so here I am working on the weekend, wondering whether faking a heart attack would be more effective than exhibiting all the signs of  demon possession, head spinning included, when who walks in through the lobby doors, but The Buffster, cementing her status as my personal favorite superhero. Sure, Batman, the runner-up, has a never ending supply of money and cool gadgets, gets to stalk silent and unseen through the night with a manly gravel voice and a cape swirling behind him, but hey, Buffy has a stake and a bunch of clothes I'm told are really fashionable, plus a candy apple red axe that for some reason we all have to call a scythe. Enough said, Buffy wins hands down.

So she enters the lobby and I know she must be mad because she doesn't really look at any of us, let alone say hi, even though she's walking over. My suspicion is confirmed when just seconds later an obviously furious Faith charges in behind her. There's nothing unusual about that because whenever it involves her emotions, Faith tends to do everything obviously. My first impulse is to scream out: Fight, fight! and break into the Snoopy Dance, but I can't because I don't want to call attention to myself and also it's illegal to "Snoopy" it up unless it's the month of December. So I stay seated and quiet, but in my head it's muzzle in the air, arms at my sides, and spinning to beat the band, in this case The Vince Guaraldi Trio, at their own game.

The research "party", confetti not included, was now just minutes away from being dead in the water, and I hate that expression because whenever I hear it, I always see Buffy actually dead in the water. Thank each and every Higher Power that I developed a little a crush on Resusci Annie that one day in Health Class and actually paid attention. I sneak a peek at Giles to see how he likes watching his nefarious scheme about to be foiled by my two favorite Slayers, but he's refusing to show any weakness. It doesn't matter to me, their diversionary tactics are basically foolproof, and I know my Sunday is about to be returned to me right before my very eye.

I'm sitting here smiling big and happy, but then with some sort of crazy fifth sense, Buffy looks right at me. I could tell she didn't appreciate my joyful response to her loud argument, and as she kept staring, I suddenly couldn't get back to my researching fast enough. In fact, it seemed like the best thing to do would be to get right into it…literally. Sure my book was a lot smaller than me, but I was positive with a little magical assistance from my favorite witch, I could be made to fit. I threw a desperate glance her way and instead of looking like a bad ass Wiccan riding to my rescue, she instead looked like a deer in Bambi's headlights. There was and would be no help coming from her, and besides as nervous as she looked, she couldn't have been trusted to perform a spell that wouldn't backfire on me anyway.

Will has never appreciated conflict or fighting of any kind, it makes her nervous, but it's particularly hard on her when it looks like a romance is heading off the track. At the moment Buffy and Faith look like they're on their way to the kind of off track where racecars hurtle into the stands, trying to kill the ten people alive who truly enjoy watching cars being driven around for endless hours in endless circles way too fast. You can always tell it's bad when Buffy's eyes look so scary, they shouldn't be looked at directly.

Think of it like Medusa, if she was also Xena watching you kill Gabrielle. It's way beyond: Hulk Smash and more like Hulk Dismember, Reassemble, and Repeat. When Buffy reaches a certain level of angry, woe to anyone who gets in her way, face, path, airspace, line of sight, etc…no matter how innocently. That direct eye contact we made perfectly explains why my new motto is now suddenly:

Read. Read like the wind, carpenter man!

So I adjust my strategy and slide down lower on the couch, ready to slip behind the cushions if need be or to make a wild break for it if the fight gets any closer. I do my best to ignore them and concentrate on my book until I hear Faith say:

"Then maybe you should just hit me anyways, Buffy!"

I look up, relieved, but not surprised to see Buffy rolling her eyes:

"Oh my God, and maybe you should just shut up."

They're my favorite couple and I wouldn't be able to take it if hitting was the way they dealt with stuff. Sure, I know they’re Slayers and hitting and violence aren't the same to them as they are to us average people, but I've had more than enough of people hitting to last me a lifetime.

Mom always said I was just like my dad, a big compliment when you're three and don't know any better, but then not so much when you grow older and realize your father's a mean, drunken, dream crushing, violent loser…and yeah, so not the comparison you're looking for, least of all from your own mother. Not that there weren't plenty of uplifting moments with dear old dad calling me a "pussy" and a "stupid weakling who wasn't worth spit". Also not the words any son wants to hear from his father. I was a lot happier as I got older and they left me alone, although being neglected and ignored isn't exactly to be recommended either.

Without my friends, I think I might have turned out just like they said I would, but Willow has always seen me differently and she helped me hang on. Then when Buffy, Dawnie, and Giles came along, I found a place and a purpose, and my parents sort of faded away only to be heard sometimes way off in the distance even when they were standing right in front of me. Then I got the last piece I needed to complete my buffer zone, pun intended.

Anya.

I loved her, I've never stopped loving her, and our future was so bright we had to wear shades. But then with a big nasty demon assist, I screwed it all up. I let my parents' words and bruises stop me when I should have known better. I should have talked to my friends, talked to the woman I loved, taken a step back from the panic, but I didn't, and I missed the most important thing of all – I missed Anya.

My An was a girl so openly honest, it was painful at times. She knew me, flaws and all, and yet she still loved me. That should have told me all I needed to know, because if I was unworthy of her love, if she didn't believe in our future together, she would have told me. She wouldn't have stood in her wedding dress nervous and happy that we were going to declare our love for each other and combine our finances forever. Everything else should have just rolled off my back, but instead I walked away from her.

But I digress, I was talking about The Chosen Two. They are so perfect for each other, despite what's going on at the moment. It still amuses me that my two best friends are gay, not that it ever seems weird…well, except for when Andrew talks about it with me late at night sometimes:

"Isn't it something how neither of them seemed gay at all until they just let themselves go? Maybe we should all do that at least once in our lives, you know?"

Yes, I know and no. I do like him as a friend though, just not the kind with benefits, although I did demand once that Willow "gay me up". Hmm…

I can't figure out what the fight is about. It's tough to deduce anything without having any of the facts, but I've gotten really good at picking up stuff by observing the nuances of body language. However, before I can really get it going, my Nuance Studies are being seriously challenged by Faith:

"Cyclops, quit fuckin' staring at me!"

She never even looked in this direction, so how she knew is a mystery. It's probably that Slayer thing again, but knowing her it could just be a "Faith" thing. Anyway, no matter how she did it, my hands are now tied and my eye has been placed into a timeout, which hey, I'm the guy who sees things, so what's with the unfair restrictions? I'm not going to just sit here and be cowed from doing my job. I was here first, I'm the founding member of The Scooby Gang, and a direct eye lock with Buffy and a direct verbal order from Faith is not going to…

"Said mind your own business, Xander!"

"Well excuse me, Faith, but you're the one who's put your business all over the lobby where I was sitting first, so I…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah, Buffy?"

"Go back to researching."

Wimp or experienced Scooby, you be the judge, but I returned back to my book and please see the above referenced Medusa played by Xena, Hulk Smash, Xander Break, before you judge me too harshly.

I pretend to read, but my thoughts have drifted back to the first time I saw Buffy. Wow, she sure was a hottie and I knew instantly I had absolutely no chance with her. But then we bumped into each other in the hallway and she Freudian slipped her stake behind, so I figured that was an opening I just had to take. And yeah, I know that came out all dirty, but I didn't mean it that way. My point is that while I never had a chance with Buffy when it came to teenage boy sex, what I got was so far beyond anything I could have imagined. I'd literally bumped into one of the best friends I will ever have, and she also happens to be a superhero who gives my life purpose and meaning by letting me fight evil right alongside her.

Buffy is a hero, but she's an even better person, and I couldn't love and admire her more. Some things never change and just like always, whenever I'm in a difficult situation I still ask myself – What Would Buffy Do? That approach never lets me down because even though she isn't perfect and makes mistakes, her heart is always in the right place, and one way or another she finds a way to make it work. It would be horrible to be without her in my life and that's not just idle talk. I've had to live without her, we all have, and it was horrible, like life had suddenly gone flat and empty. None of us will accept that again, so The Buffster has to stay put. It's the official Way of the Scoobies and there are no exceptions.

Now surprisingly, I did have a chance with Faith and she took it. She apologized years ago, I accepted, and then we never really talked about it again. It just seems so meaningless and so long ago with two different people. Besides, it wasn't all her fault. I was there too, I think. It's all kind of this weird blur and you'd think since it was my first time, I'd have a lot better recollection of what went on. What I do remember is just bits and pieces, and while I'm sure I had a good time, if somebody tried to convince me it never happened, I could probably be swayed in that direction

Of course nothing ever developed between us, heck, nothing developed between us when we were actually doing it. Faith viewed sex back then as simply a stress reliever, and I almost literally could have been anyone. So as firsts go, we did it, I goed, she goed, I goed again, we goed, and then I went, shoved right outside after maybe fifteen seconds of cuddling. I remember standing there in just my boxers, my shoes and the rest of my clothes piled high in my arms. It was not romantic, it was not the start of a relationship, it was just: "Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?" in action, up close and personal, and the odd time I ever think about it, it makes me shake my head and laugh.

Faith and I are buds now, good buds, and even though we sure never saw that coming, it's completely natural now. We hang around together a lot, talk about things good and bad, play pool, go to games, watch more games on TV, and I try to give her good advice whenever the topic of Buffy comes up, which is a whole heck of a lot. The thing that always strikes me the most whenever Faith talks about Buffy is how much she loves her. I've never seen anything like it, and it makes me smile when she goes on and on about her. Love happened at first sight for Faith that night in the alley behind The Bronze, she just didn't know what it was.

"Saw her and a bolt of lightning smacked me. Thought it was the Slayer thing, but it was just B."

If you don't stop her, Faith will talk for hours about Buffy. She loves everything about her and she's positive Buffy hung the moon and stars, the sun and planets too. She never gets any argument from me – The Buffster's a bag of chips and way more than that. What I like best is that Faith doesn't try to whitewash her either. She sees Buffy just like she is and takes the good with the bad in equal measure. Faith is in love with it all.

Our friendship took a while to get going, but I remember when it escalated into what it is today. After Sunnydale collapsed on itself, I wasn't at my best, but I put up a good front for a long time. The problem is behind every front is the truth and mine was a simple one: losing Anya was killing me.

I didn't have much time to look for her body before Dawnie was pulling me out of the school while it collapsed around my head, and that lack of proof let me kid myself for a couple of glorious minutes. As we ran for the bus, I thought maybe An had already made it out, but of course she hadn't.

Anya was dead, never to be seen again, and it made losing my eye seem like a walk in the park. I tried hard not to think about it and when I had to, I focused on how she'd saved Andrew, how we'd made love that last time, and then I started drinking, a lot. Not the greatest idea for the son of two alcoholics, but at least I hid it pretty good along with my alcohol in case Willow or Buffy popped over. Will seemed to buy my excuses and explanations most of the time, although I think Giles and Buffy were starting to suspect something besides grief was happening.

My life had narrowed down to the part of every evening when I went off duty and my time was my own. I'd take a bottle of gin out of its hiding place and just let myself go. No having to pretend I was okay, no worrying about worrying anybody else, it was just a man, his bottle and the darkness of the night to sit inside of and brood.

I'd think of whatever I needed to in order to beat myself up, and feeling bad was quickly starting to feel like home. I embraced it, sunk right into it, and I realized I could just keep at it until the day finally came when I could…And yep, believe it or not, right then at the height of my dramatic stylings, someone knocked on my door.

I didn't answer, but they just kept going, finally escalating it up to a pounding Slayer throb in the back of my eye and between my ears. In self-defense I finally yelled out:

"Go away, I'm sleeping!"

Very effective in the way that wasn't, and the wood around the doorknob splintered and Faith walked in, kicking her unzipped duffel bag ahead of her. A couple of shirts flew out onto the carpet, but she ignored the escapees and sat three jam packed paper grocery bags down on the floor. She closed the door, wedging a chair under a barely hanging on doorknob to keep it shut, then slid the deadbolt home and picked up the groceries. She made her way over to the couch where I was drunkenly sprawled, somehow popping on lights as she approached.

"Whatcha got shakin', Xand?"

I was squinting at her, the light too bright for my eye and my mind too fuzzy to understand why she was in my apartment.

"What the…You can't just barge in and…"

She smoothly took the bottle out of my hand as she headed for the kitchen, still managing to hit light switches while she carried the grocery bags with her.

"Hey! Bring that back!"

She never even broke stride:

"Figure we oughta pop some corn and watch the "Aliens" marathon they got goin' tonight. Can maybe order out for pizza and…"

I was following behind her and I lunged for my gin when she started pouring it down the drain. She didn't miss a beat, just blocked me off the sink like I was a rookie trying to snatch a rebound off the glass.

"…Chinese, my treat, yeah?"

I just stood there like a dummy, watching while she put the bags down on the counter, then found each and every one of my hiding places. Bottle after bottle was found, opened, and poured out like I didn't need it, and it took witnessing that a bunch of times before I was finally jarred out my stupor. When she found the one behind the boxes of cereal, I went for the one above the refrigerator, grabbing the precious liquid filled bottle only to have it taken from my life and death grip with ease.

"Thanks, Xand."

I was mad, really mad, and I took a swing at her, a fact that lets you know I was also drunk, really drunk. She caught my fist in one hand and gently forced my arm back down to my side as she poured with her other hand. We went through the rest of the house and found all of those bottles too, ending up back in the kitchen with the final one from my nightstand drawer. Once that was drained and tossed in the garbage, she turned back to the counter:

"So wanna see what's in the bags?"

Apparently these were magical bags because what wasn't in them? Coke, chips, candy, beef jerky, licorice, apples, oranges, bananas, Captain Crunch, Cheerios, Raisin Bran, a gallon of milk, a large tub of butter, a five pound bag of sugar, a big box of spaghetti noodles, some spaghetti sauce, a huge jar of crunchy peanut butter, grape jelly, strawberry jam, three loaves of bread, and some cupcakes from the bakery. There were also two cartons of eggs, four packs of center-cut bacon, and a large bottle and a large box of Aunt Jemima's finest in pancake fixin's.

She kept talking as she began throwing out expired food and putting the new stuff away:

"Gonna make us a huge fucking breakfast tomorrow. Even got some of that Sunny D ya like in the separate bottles. Play your cards right, might even let ya flip the hotcakes."

Me and my shadow for several weeks. We lived together and for the first few nights she slept in my room. When I got a little less shaky, she made her way to the living room couch, no sneaking out allowed unless I could get past a Slayer with ears like a Slayer. We got me dry and sober, cleaned up the place with help from Buffy and Willow who never said a word about what was obviously happening, but brought over home cooked meals almost every night, which in Buffy's case meant food from "Woody's" and "Danzano's". We all hung out together, playing poker and board games, watching TV and DVDS until they left for bed with Faith making up her spot on the couch.

It took a while, but it finally came time for me to go to AA. Every step of the way I thought was the worst one, but then I had to walk into the meeting room and pick out a seat. That was clearly the worst thing ever, but of course, no. That came a few minutes later when I had to stand up. I thought my voice would squeak out for sure, but I sounded manly the whole way through:

"I'm Xander and I am an alcoholic."

Funny that no matter what horrifying things a man can go through in his life, and I've been through some doozies, no matter how many times he's faced down death, and boy, am I ever an expert at that one, it turns out that the most terrifying moment of all is standing up in front of maybe twenty people and just telling the truth.

And about that non-squeaky voice? Her hand never left mine and her grip tightened reassuringly when I spoke. It steadied me and gave me the courage I needed. She saw it differently because when I sat back down, she spoke quietly, looking me right in the eye:

"Always had them balls of steel, Cyclops."

That was a long time ago, and these days I'm an old pro at attending my meetings alone. It really helped out a lot that I got some counseling along the way, and it was great that I was able to go to one of The Council's shrinks. That way there was no lying necessary, well, except for the kind everybody tries to get away with sometimes when they're in therapy. But I did my best to be honest from the start and I can say that today I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. I just wish Anya could see me now.

Sure, I still get urges now and then for something stronger to wet my whistle, but I just don't want it enough to take the bad stuff that will always come with it. And yeah, things aren't exactly like they used to be, but they're still plenty good and usually better. Faith still comes over to watch the games with me and she still brings plenty of the cold, frosty ones with her. Let me tell you – root beer sure goes down mighty easy and you can't beat it when you toss a pizza into the mix. The company that comes with it isn't exactly shabby either, so my life's really good now, and for the first time ever I feel like I'm in charge of it.

Meanwhile back at Sunday Sucks, the whole sitch just got worse. Andrew has decided to deliver milk and cookies to get this wild party rocking, and I have to say he looks all kinds of cute in his Superman apron. Hey, you know how I meant that, so stop it.

Buffy was the one who bought it, and I was there in the kitchen when she gave it to him:

"Andrew, I saw this when I was downtown, and of course I thought of you."

Now that's all you'd normally have to say, but The Buffster knew who she was dealing with, so she kept going:

"You're such an important member of the team now and such a super cook, I wanted…"

"I love you too, Buffy!"

He was crying as he hugged her, and then he started making some kind of crazy acceptance speech that Faith thankfully managed to cut short with the presentation of his brand new taser.

"Check it out, Andy! Apron's got this special pocket sewed in for easy access. Bad guys come sniffing, they're gonna be flopping 'fore they know what hit'em."

He still has no idea that Buffy had me basically disable its zapping capability:

"We don't need him knocking himself unconscious five times a day, so can you just make it look like it works?"

I could and I did, and it's really helped him out with the whole "screaming like a girl or a Xander" whenever anything remotely tense happens. He's barely even on edge anymore, although not too long ago he did try to nail the folded stepping stool as it slid down the wall.

Anyway, he's now joining in the festivities and doing so with a lot less common sense than you'd think was possible. He stopped walking right next to Faith, just standing there with this confused look on his face, even though I'm frantically waving him over like he's a 747 that landed on the wrong runway. The hairnet's not exactly helping either as far as making him look less stupid.

"Oh, I didn't know Buffy and Faith were here. Well don't you gals worry, there's plenty more to sate the Slayer in you both."

He puts the tray down on a nearby table, completely missing the smoke shooting out of Faith's ears, and picks up a cookie. They have this ongoing thing between them because Faith absolutely hates peanut butter cookies, and Andrew has taken it up as his quest to change her mind.

"Though the task before me is hard, lo, perhaps even unaccomplishable, I shall not rest until I have shown her the error of her culinary path. This I vow, spatula to heart."

He tilts the cookie this way and that in front of her face:

"Observe the skilled dance of the fork tines. Challenge accepted and perhaps met, Dark One?"

He moves the cookie right up to her lips and my esteemed airhead of a friend has absolutely no idea that he's now smack dab in the middle of two big problems. First, he's harassing Faith when she's already mad, a pretty epic problem for just about anyone in any circumstance, but it's the second problem that's the biggest one by far – Andrew just called Faith "Dark One". Oh crap.

I start to get to my feet, Andrew's life or at least his physical intactness is at stake, but thankfully before I can even make it all the way up and put myself in harm's way, Buffy is there. She has moved at Slayer speed to get between them, and with her arm around his waist she steers him to relative safety.

"Mmm…"

She takes a huge bite of the cookie still being held up at relative Slayer lip level.

"Dwishish!"

She struggles to swallow as he beams at her, and Faith remains motionless except for her lips:

"…18, 19, 20, 21, 22…"

"Yes, I think I really outdid myself this time, Buffy. Resistance is clearly fu-tile!"

Buffy jerks him forward, laughing way too hard as he tries looking back at Faith over his shoulder.

"Oh Andrew, you and your Star Wars jokes are always so funny!"

"Thank you, but that wasn't a Star…"

She propels him in a circle on the outskirts of the room and aims him back towards the hallway to the kitchen:

"But right now's probably not the best time for a taste test. Faith and I are having a discussion and you know how I explained…"

He manages a quick look in her direction:

"…46, 47, 48…"

"Oh, she's counting."

Buffy smiled her warmest "Buffy" smile at him, the one that takes all of the sting out of anything:

"Exactly! So could you maybe be somewhere that's else for a while?"

He steps away from her arm to bow at her with a flourish:

"Adieu for now, brave Slayer. I shall return to fight the good fight, but until such time I leave the battle in your more than capable hands."

Then with a jaunty sweep of his arm in our direction: "Farewell, brave companions!", he's gone, all body parts intact.

"89, 90, 91…"

"You can stop counting now. The big upsetting Andrew and his cookies are gone."

Not quite an accurate summation because the big upsetting cookies and glasses of ice cold milk are still sitting right on the table where Andrew left them. I want them so bad, we just need to snag the tray, but a quick inventory of my "brave companions" reveals us all to be something much less than Andrew's complimentary portrayal. Nobody's even looking around, Giles hasn't lifted his eyes from his book since Buffy and Faith first showed up, and aside from his two word commentary, I'm not even positive he knows they're here. My only real hope is Dawnie, but she's in her: I'm All Grown Up mode. Terrific.

The cookies are dead to me unless maybe the fight's going to stop now. It's not at all a farfetched possibility; there have been plenty of times when Buffy's made Faith see the humorous side of Andrew calling her: "The Dark One". Admittedly the funniest part of the whole thing is just how mad Faith always gets, but somehow I don't think The Dark One will ever see the humor in that part of things. But Buffy, being Buffy, usually manages to twist it all another way and before long Faith is shrugging it off, disaster averted. It's another example of The Buffster's magic, especially where Faith is involved, and right now with very little effort, Buffy looks maybe ready to let things settle down. All that's needed is a tiny sign from Faith and…

"Ya think maybe with you bein' the big shit of everything and everybody, you could get him to fucking knock it off?"

…no, that is not quite the sign we were all hoping for. The softening Buffy had just been showing is now a solid block of ice, steel reinforced ice made of adamantium.

"Is that the problem, Faith? That I'm in charge? You have some complaints you'd like to voice? Well, feel free."

Oh man, I have absolutely no idea how Faith can stand there toe to toe with her and not need a Depends. Seriously, I love Faith, but I am now out of this. Buffy is going to be taking a pound of flesh and it's not going to be mine. I'd make a break for the stairs, I think I could snag about six to eight cookies with an on the run, two-handed side grab, but then that's how they get you. Somebody can't take the pressure, they crack, and then they make a break for it. It's that first sign of movement, that calling of attention to yourself that puts the sniper's bull's-eye dead center on you.

Besides, this book isn't that boring. When I stop and think about it: Deland's Uses of Herbs and Plants in Necromancy could be way, way worse, and sure, while chapters like: Paint Drying for Wiccans and A Watched Cauldron Never Boils have to be skimmed to be believed, things are mostly okay. And while it's true I'm trapped on a lazy Sunday researching without sustenance of any kind, well except for the taunting kind kept just out of reach by two angry Slayers arguing about whatever the heck it is they're arguing about, I've been in tougher spots.

So I'll just burrow down here all peachy with a side of keen, and research with everything I have. It'll make the time go faster, and I'll be ready to slide behind the cushions and into the couch if it becomes necessary. I'll also be here or hopefully in my apartment, to pick up the "Faith" pieces when the coast is clear. I'll be waiting with a cold, frosty one when she turns up at my door, mad as hell, but still singing the praises of the woman she loves. It's all five by five.

Hey, I just realized something: all four of my best friends are gay. I guess that means I'm the straight man! HAHAHA!!! Get it? Okay fine, but this is the real Chapter 13 in the world's most boring book:

Eye of Newt: All-Purpose Helper or Unreliable Crutch.

Why do I always get the eye stuff?

*****************************************

"Again with you pullin' shit outta your ass! Did I say I minded you being in charge? No, I did not!"

"You must be so happy because just like always, you've managed to change the subject to avoid the real issue."

Faith began pacing again:

"When's the last time I tried that? Two thousand what?"

Buffy snorted with disgust:

"Try about three weeks ago."

"No way, Buffy! You can't use something that happened in the cereal aisle. Would it kill you to play fair just once in a fight? What's next? Wanna bring up when I got mad about my sock drawer?"

"Sure, it's a great example of you being unreasonable and…"

"So I don't want'em arranged. It's my fucking sock drawer!"

"And it's me who's putting them away after I fold them."

"Doesn't give you the right to just take over!"

****************************************************

Giles

The human brain is a miraculous instrument, capable of such intricate, infinite decisions all made at a blazing speed. Options weighed, sifted, and then available strategies investigated through to their appropriate destinations with all foreseen variables providing endless branches and offshoots of probabilities. All likelihoods balanced and analyzed until one is chosen based on careful consideration before attempting to carry it  to fruition in the real world. A nearly endless number of cells all engineered to work in concert, infusing moment after moment with action, purpose, and intelligence, and yet I have ended up here, in this lobby where Buffy and Faith are bickering in what seems to be an interminable fashion. Clearly I need to begin utilizing the portion of my brain that remains a mystery to scientists the world over, for surely my answers lie there.

It is certainly nothing new – Buffy and Faith have been arguing almost from the moment they met, but I am delighted to report that their arguments in present day are much less severe than they were back in Sunnydale. After all, neither girl is in mortal danger nor anywhere near it, because here in Cleveland they are in love. Hot, passionate, life altering love with a twist, just one simple word added has made all the difference for them – openly. They are now openly in love after so many years of repressing what they felt for one another, and as is to be expected, gone is the anger and bitterness replaced by the happiness that comes from living one's life aboveboard, right out in the open for all to see.

Although at times Faith still "freaks out", Buffy's phrase, not mine, when she realizes that her love leaves her exposed emotionally for everyone to see, those episodes have diminished greatly in both frequency and duration over the years. It is now extremely rare for Faith not to come to her senses on her own, and Buffy is seldom forced to reach out until she has Faith back, safe and sound. Buffy has never seemed overly bothered by this behavior, her understanding of Faith much too complete for her to take it personally. She is more patient than I have ever seen her be until Faith returns, then Buffy merely carries on as if nothing ever happened, which I suppose it hasn't.

Perhaps my laying it out like that makes it sound rather childish or maybe predictable, but neither could be farther from the truth. All things considered, it is absolutely amazing that the two of them have managed to overcome such incredibly large obstacles, forging a relationship that is much more stable than it is volatile, much more a safe haven rather than a dangerous and uncertain lair. Above all else, it is a relationship based on love and true understanding, and in my experience that is a rare and beautiful thing to witness.

It certainly isn't calm, the word "insane" springs to mind quite often, although I suspect I'm seeing it through the prism of my own advancing age. I find the older I get, the less interested I am in the commotion of love, although of course in my younger days it was a much different story. But the excitement and passion of love, while surely the draw in our youth, seems much less desirous as the years speed by. If I am ever fortunate to once again find my heart engaged with another's, I pray it will be a great deal more sedate than the love I've already known.

"Don't try goin' all high and mighty on me! I'm not some dumb ass off the street."

"No, you're some dumb ass right in my life. I'm not the one who started this, Faith!"

"Maybe, but for sure always gotta finish it. Well not this time, Blondie. I'm not backing down just 'cause you got your butt on your shoulders!"

It doesn't really matter what the fight is about, they usually encompass the big and the small, and both girls are usually right and wrong. Can it really be any other way when it comes to love? Not in my experience, and the fastest way to kill a romance is to always make the issue – Who is right and who is wrong?  Instead what two people must do is focus on what they can let go of, and Buffy and Faith are simply masterful when it comes to letting things go.

Their entire relationship has been one of placing the past in the past and letting it stay there as they concentrate on what it is they now have. I doubt any other strategy would have worked for their unique set of circumstances and I doubt any other couple could have managed it as well as they did. It is an approach that requires great strength of character, an infinite capacity for forgiveness, and perhaps most importantly, it requires an endless wellspring of love.

I know the tale best from Buffy's side of course, although at times and increasingly over the years, Faith has confided in me as well. Both girls essentially tell the same story, but it is from Buffy that I've gleaned the most salient details. Certainly the day she made up her mind to pursue a relationship with Faith is etched firmly in my memory, as much from the pleasure I took in her seeking out my counsel concerning such a delicate matter, pun most certainly intended, as well as the amusement provided by the literal "Buffyness" of Buffy. She is such a delight in her approach to most things and has brought me great joy throughout the years.

She can be exasperating and at times her mind unfathomable, but a father's love for her was and is most assuredly not a charge I will ever deny. Her biological father, a despicable dolt who would not even return my numerous phone calls so that I might inform him his eldest daughter had died, is clearly not worthy of the title. No man should ever be so cavalier and uncaring about his children, so irresponsible as to never even make an appearance when their mother passed away. I would most happily beat Hank Summers to death if the opportunity ever presented itself, but I will also most happily and proudly claim the title of father to both of his girls.

But I've digressed, I was recollecting the time when Buffy came to me about Faith. It was a lovely day, and I had made great progress in cross-referencing over forty volumes Xander had procured from an estate sale. Willow had brought home five heretofore undetected Slayers for orientation, and she believed one was going to be a rather difficult case. She had already notified Faith that her special services were going to be required, most likely extensively so. There was little worry on my end, Faith had proven herself a miracle worker time and time again, and I saw no reason to assume this go-round would be any different.

I set about making myself a cup of tea, thankful I was meeting with Buffy that very evening to complete the last of the necessary paperwork for the month. We would now have to remove Faith from patrol as she would be busy with her new charge for the foreseeable future, but it wouldn't be nearly as difficult as it would have been had we already finalized and handed out the schedules. Buffy hated shifting everything around; in fact she hated nearly anything even remotely related to scheduling. Add in Kennedy constantly voicing some objection or other about her assignments, well, Buffy herself has told me more than once that if Willow wasn't so happy, she would cheerfully beat Kennedy to a pulp:

"And her face, Giles."

"Yes, I am aware she has one. Is that your complaint or is it more the expression it wears?"

"Yes, exactly!"

Buffy Logic often made all the sense in the world and yet simultaneously none of it, and as I was wondering how she managed to keep so many balls in the air, the girl herself came striding in.

Hi, Giles!"

"Buffy, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure on such a beautiful day?"

She looked out the window past my shoulder and smiled:

"Yes, this beautiful gloomy day of never ending rain."

"I don't believe you fully understand how trying I found California's weather."

"I know, all of that horrible sunshine is enough to break anyone's spirit."

I tsked her and tried to look annoyed:

"Are we perhaps deliberately antagonizing our Watcher?"

"We perhaps are."

She continued to smile at me, but I detected an uncertainty there as well.

"So then, back to the original question of why you are here."

"I was hoping you had a minute."

I nodded as I turned to the table behind my desk:

"Always, you know that. Have a seat and I'll make you a cup."

She chose her favorite spot in one of the two chairs situated in front of the large French doors overlooking the back garden. It didn't take long before I joined her, carrying a tray with our tea and some homemade cookies placed upon it. I sat it down on the coffee table in front of our chairs and passed her a cup of tea before taking my own seat. As I settled in she took one of the cookies, her eyes closing with the first bite.

"Mmm…these are heaven.  Andrew is a deluxe cooker extraordinaire."

"In this case, baker and yes, I'd agree he's certainly come into his own. Did you by chance sample his pork chops the other day?"

She reached for another cookie, her face bright and excited:

"Oh my God, they were so, so delicious. I ate four of them and could have kept going."

"I do believe we've found his talent, and it also offers up the additional benefit of keeping him out of harm's way. Now, what was it you wished to speak to me about?"

I saw the tension return, although I doubt many would have been able to spot it easily. Buffy can be quite skilled at hiding her emotions, although she doesn't often feel the need when dealing with me. Once we'd managed to repair the trust that had been so seriously damaged in Sunnydale, to our relief neither of us saw the need for subterfuge any longer and our relationship only grew stronger.

"It's personal and serious. Seriously personal. I know what I want to do, I just don't know…I guess I'm…"

"Unnecessarily worried, I'd wager. Just take a deep breath and tell me straight out."

She gave a tiny laugh, due to nerves or some small amusement I could not quite discern, then took my advice and got right to it.

"Giles…"

She managed nothing further and began deep breathing as if her life depended upon it. Finally a complete sentence emerged:

"Giles, I'd really like your approval and then hopefully your advice."

"Well, as I regularly offer you advice even when you've not requested it and my approval is in your grasp both day and night, I'd say I am most assuredly your man."

She took a sip before placing her cup back on the tray.

"Okay, well I don't know if you've noticed, but things are different between Faith and I…Me and Faith…I've never really understood which way that goes. Is it…"

I reached over to pat her arm in what I hoped was a reassuring manner:

"Buffy, I understand you're nervous, but I assure you that you needn't be. Just come right out and say whatever it is you need to say. I'm quite certain we can make quick work of it."

She nodded, but was silent for nearly a minute before squaring her shoulders and exhaling deeply. I braced myself, clearly this was serious, although for the life of me I couldn't imagine what could be this serious.

"Giles, I like Faith…as a girl…in a sexu…like intimat…a roman…I think I might be gay…or I guess maybe bi...you know? Not that you're supposed to know…I mean, I think I have to be the one who actually figures out which way I…"

I was so relieved, I almost laughed right out loud. Buffy was meanwhile still rambling on and I cut her off:

"Well, I can't say I'm surprised, Buffy, nor can I say this is at all unwelcome news."

"Really?"

"Really. Here, have another cookie."

Her smile was a warm beam of sunlight that belied the loud patter of raindrops against the doors in front of us.

"While I'm quite touched you've chosen to confide in me, I'm not completely sure what you'd like me to say."

She picked up her tea, her relief apparent.

"Well, I don't know exactly. I just really wanted your approval, most of all."

"Which you have in spades, and before you ask, yes, the other three suits as well."

"Okay, so good, that part's covered and that was the big one. I guess all that's left is I could really use some good advice because I'm pretty confused here."

"And I assume you've thought to discuss this with Willow? Surely she would have some pertinent advice from a firsthand perspective that you'd likely find useful."

Buffy blushed perhaps more deeply than I'd ever seen her do:

"Yep, we discussed things and it was useful for sure, especially certain parts that…Anyway, she was also useful in getting me here to tell you. I was worried about your reaction, but Will convinced me that you'd be fine with it."

"Did you truly think it could be otherwise? Buffy, I merely want two things for you – that you stay alive for a long time and that you're happy. The person you fall in love with matters not at all to me, and the fact that you wish to explore things with Faith, well I think that's an excellent idea and long overdue."

She got up and hugged me:

"I love you so much, Giles."

"And I you. Now what sort of advice are we after?"

Buffy sat down, taking another cookie with her.

"Well, I did mention it's Faith, right? How do we do this without blowing up the whole building?"

While a tad exaggerated, not at all an unwarranted question. Buffy and Faith were fairly explosive together in any situation, and I couldn't see how their romance would be any less combustible than what we'd previously experienced. While their friendship was a much better status quo than their previous enmity, a budding romance could be nearly as volatile as when they were enemies. Love is not for the weak, nor in this case is it for the less than hardy bystander. At least we were all practiced when it came to dangerous situations, and we were also all well-versed in Buffy and Faith. We'd adapt.

I'm afraid my advice to her really ended up amounting to little more than the trite and true: "Follow your heart", as well as reminding her that few worthwhile things ever came easily:

"But then you already know that as there was nothing easy about Angel or Spike, and yet you managed to overcome immense obstacles because you loved them and they you. Faith very much fits into that mold, but you'd do well to remember she is also different in many ways. Perhaps this relationship will work, Buffy, perhaps it won't, but I believe you have to give it your all. Love rarely accepts anything less."

She stayed for another hour or so and we chatted about all manner of things. Buffy was amazed that it had finally come down to this with Faith, but I wasn't. There has always been something sizzling between them, and although they were merely teenagers at the start, I knew it was going to have to be resolved at some point. A huge betrayal and a knife to the stomach were not at all ideal, and those acts set in motion so many horrible things for both girls. For all of us, really. 

But Faith was undoubtedly different now. She had pulled herself from a darkness that I'd wager not many ever had, and she was now a full member of our team. She was loved, respected, trusted, and she was Buffy's perfect match as Buffy was her can of petrol. And Buffy says I've no sense of humor. Bah, what does she know?

Again, enough of my mental wanderings, they don't matter anyway. Buffy and Faith are as together as they can be, a couple made for each other and neither girl could be any more content. Buffy, whilst more mature, has recaptured her youth. She shares many qualities with the girl I first met and she has once again found the joy in living. Faith has settled down, absolute in her belief that Buffy loves her, and that confidence has provided her with a security I'm sure she never thought she would find. She's happy, a condition she can still occasionally be surprised by, but not one she ever wishes to relinquish.

"I don't know, Faith. How about dealing with whatever's really bothering you instead of…"

"Oh please, Little Miss Know It All, save the head shrink for somebody who needs it. Or hey, maybe go look in a fucking mirror."

"Are you really going to try to deny…"

I've just sighed so loudly in my mind, I'm surprised my brain is still in place inside my cranium. I could tell them to take this argument elsewhere or perhaps I could just move the rest of us into my office, but we've already settled here and have everything all spread out. I'm also fairly certain if we move, the whole thing will either quickly fall apart as everyone drifts off or Buffy and Faith will simply follow us. It is certainly by no means unusual for them to argue, but it is not their normal custom to stand around for so long in front of everyone while they quarrel.

That leads me to suspect they've something Slayer related to tell us, but their tempers are too inflamed to allow them to deviate from their dispute at present. It is without a doubt most tiresome to wait them out, but I must admit that with the right mindset there is also a great deal of amusement provided as well. They always exchange some very clever and cutting remarks, and those can extend to anyone who dares to insert himself into their discussion, Xander Harris.

And since I'm on the topic of Xander, I also find it vastly entertaining to watch his every escape plan flit across his face, strategies shifting and changing by the second. Even Willow, a lover of research, yet not of arguing and angry conflict, looks to be planning an exit strategy which will of course cause Kennedy to trail along behind her. It's unfortunate, but in this case, Dawn and I do not constitute an acceptable research party, so I am forced to keep everyone where they are. My approach has been to pretend I am unaware of the loud row taking place mere feet from us as I blithely continue on with the task at hand.

Leading by example sometimes works wonders and I am proud to see that Dawn is doing the same, although I have twice caught her rolling her eyes. Still, it's a minor infraction all things considered, and certainly understandable, even coming from such a vitally important member of the Watchers' Council. Yes, I am referring to Dawn as that vital member, and why her exceptional talents caught us all by surprise, well in retrospect I think we were simply refusing to see that she was no longer a child.

She has many unique talents, not the least of which is her incredible facility when it comes to both reading and speaking a rather dazzling array of demon languages. Saying she's been an invaluable help in a wide variety of circumstances is rather understating to an incalculable degree. She has literally saved the day countless times.

Dawn is also amazingly calm under nearly any sort of pressure and she adapts very quickly to whatever the situation demands. She seldom backs away from making the most difficult of decisions and can be counted on to offer valuable insight whenever missions are in the planning stages.  She is also a great help in assessing which Slayer is best suited for whichever task is at hand, and although she is quite young to have as much responsibility as she does, I've no qualms about it and neither does anyone else. Not even Buffy.

In fact, it was Buffy herself who opened my eyes a few years ago, telling me she believed Dawn belonged on the Senior Staff:

"She's past ready, Giles. She's smart, a skilled fighter, she's cool under pressure, and she knows how to talk to anybody about anything. All of the Slayers respect her, including this one."

I had to pause for a few days to think it over, but I soon realized Buffy was correct. Dawn was no longer a child, but a rather impressive young woman with a variety of skills she had been utilizing for some time without being given any due recognition. I spoke to Buffy the very next available opportunity:

"Yes, I think you're spot on. Dawn is going to be absolutely thrilled to hear your assessment of her."

"What? No, don't tell her I think she's great! Do you know how cocky she'll be? She's already hard enough to deal with as it is, so please – take this secret to your grave."

She was kidding, for the most part, and Dawn was thrilled beyond measure that Buffy thought so highly of her.

"She really said that?"

"Every word, and I completely concur. We've talked it over and we'd like to start training you to be Head Field Watcher."

"Head Field Watcher? Really, Giles?!"

And that is exactly what we did and that is exactly what Dawn is. Buffy has worked with her steadily over the years in hand to hand combat and Faith has trained her in a multitude of weapons, making Dawn one of our very best fighters even without any Slayer powers. She has Buffy's intelligence and ability to improvise, and those skills along with a knack for talking her way out of trouble, have compensated quite nicely for her requisite lack of strength. Yes, Dawn has grown into quite a woman and Buffy is extremely proud of her.

And yet this sort of thing is still often heard between the two of them:

"Stay out of my weapons chest. You can't even lift that axe, let alone swing it."

"So? Besides, Giles told me just yesterday I'd be way better than you if I was a freak of nature too."

Sisters, yes?

This is like torture, just sitting here. I'm much too old for this sort of puerile display of emotion, and I can barely complete that condescending thought before I have to chuckle at what a pompous old geezer it seems I've become. I wasn't always too old for this sort of behavior, and I suppose if the truth were to be known, I could probably still manage a decent approximation if I were involved with the right sort of woman. That thought of course, leads me right to Jenny.

I think of her often – what could have been, what was going to be, and it still hurts all this time later. I see her dark eyes in so many other women, yet none have that spark, that excitement for life. I'd have to say that no one has ever truly measured up, not that I'm implying I've been a monk since her death. Buffy's had ample opportunity to tell me: "It's gross, Giles", before I depart on a date or whenever she knows I've had a woman stay over. She's strictly teasing, merely a familiar and amusing routine between us, and I know she wants me to find a companion even more than I do.  

I believe part of the problem is the word itself: dating. At my age it sounds inappropriate, at least to my ears, as though I'm infringing upon the restricted territory of high school children everywhere in a desperate attempt to fight off my encroaching mortality. Yet while I am by no means a young man anymore, I'm not quite ready to fade away into my dotage either, and I would welcome a stimulating companion by my side. Perhaps a passionate, sexy, burning love is somewhat past my capabilities now, but I like to think there's life in the old dog yet.

"Damn right there's life in you! Go find a red hot mama to rock the nights away, you silly, sexy man."

I hear you, love.

And I also hear the fight continuing and Andrew is so bloody single-minded, he never even noticed Buffy and Faith until it was much too late. Now the cookies and milk might as well be in another dimension, they seem so out of reach. I'd thought Xander was going to make a move for them, but his usual comrade in arms for missions like this is Dawn, Head Field Watcher who is currently leading by example. I'd so love to tell her that maturity is the last thing we require at a time like this and that following Xander's lead is the exact right course of action.

Willow isn't even thinking of using any magic and Kennedy appears to be in her usual state of not thinking at all. I suppose I could take the bull by the horns and stride over confidently to retrieve our snack, but I would need to pass much too near Faith and I know she would somehow find a way to drag me into things. The girl's a master at using me as a distraction when it comes to Buffy, and if I were to be caught up in the kerfuffle, by the time I managed to extricate myself there would be perhaps only Dawn left sitting there, and I've no real assurance even her presence would remain. So I hunker down in place, as much a hostage as anyone, to await a ceasefire whilst slowly dying for a cookie.

I started off with my back to them, but they've shifted enough to where I have most of Faith in my sights. Despite my irritation with her at the moment, I must admit the overriding emotion I feel for her is always deep affection. The side of her face that I can see is angry, mad as hell, or mad as the "F word" that she insists on saying at least a thousand times a day. Until she joined us on our move to Cleveland, I must say I never knew the word was so versatile. It expresses any and everything Faith needs to say: good, bad, happy, sad, angry, content, brave, afraid, confident, insecure, bored, excited…You name it, it says it. Or rather, she does.

She also calls me: "G-Man" rather steadily, a name I thought I would detest, but one I've grown surprisingly fond of. Xander is still somewhat bitter that I won't let him refer to me as such, but no, that was never on the agenda. I don't usually like nicknames, Ethan called me "Ripper" long before and after anyone else did, but the after was a mean and nasty attempt to force me to recall a less than stellar past. Not surprisingly, it is Buffy who has given me the name I cherish most. Although not truly a nickname, but rather simply my surname, it goes against the grain of conventional wisdom, as does Buffy herself. Usually being referred to by your last name indicates a lack of intimacy, and yet when Buffy and the other children call me: "Giles", it conveys only affection and respect, and I sometimes forget that it isn't my first name.

I'm not special when it comes to Faith, she assigns nicknames to everyone she likes: Cyclops, Red, Squirt, Andy, and even sometimes to those she doesn't – Trust Fund, which instantly makes Kennedy see red and not her "Red", every time she hears it. Of course Faith has an entire volume of nicknames for Buffy, and I doubt I could even come up with half of them if pressed. But then that's to be expected as Buffy is to Faith much like the word "snow" is to the Eskimo, and there shall never be enough words to describe something so ubiquitous and essential to their survival.  

I find it fascinating that my initial assessment of Faith so long ago was correct, although certainly by no means comprehensive. She's a remarkably complex woman, one of incredible will and determination, as well as of great courage and fortitude, and yet I always think first of her as "a zesty girl." It describes her so perfectly: her energy and vitality, her passion and joy for living life to its fullest, and although there is a darkness there that she struggles with and likely always will, it is no longer able to override her happiness.  And aside from the pleasure of knowing that Faith has at last found a measure of peace and the place where she truly belongs, words cannot describe how much I treasure watching how she has given life back to Buffy, infusing my Slayer with the belief that she can have a normal life as well as a destiny. For that, Faith shall always have my gratitude and love, but bloody hell, could she just bugger off and take the Head Slayer with her?

*******************************

"Blah, blah, blah, Buffy!"

"Blah, blah, blah, Faith!"

******************************

Kennedy

I can't stand either of them and I don't care what their problem is.

***************************************************************************

"Look, I hardly fucking smoke at all, I barely drink! If I wasn't sleeping with you, I'd have nothing goin'."

"So what, you're just with me for the sex then?"

Faith let out a frustrated yell:

"Gotta take lessons or do you just twist everything I say all on your own?"

Buffy stepped up until she was right in her face:

"My bad, F, that I don't want you to taste like a drunken ashtray. Go ahead then, drink and smoke as much as you want to. That way, you'll have two things goin' because you won't be getting a third!"

"Oh yeah, like you can hold out any more than I can."

"Wanna see, Faith? Huh? Wanna dare me?"

There was something in Buffy's eyes that Faith didn't want to test. She swallowed hard and backed off:

"B, c'mon, I'm not saying that at all. Okay, yes I had a cigarette…three, but I haven't had any since…since some other time before, okay?"

Buffy stared her down, a smug knowing smile on her face that fired Faith up again in just seconds:

"Don't try acting like you're God's fucking gift! You don't run me, so don't act like you do. I quit smoking because I wanted to!"

"Right, right, of course you did."

"I'm not biting, Blondie. 'Sides, doesn't matter anymore, so just fucking let it go!"