Okay, I’m determined. It has always been all kinds of silly, but over the years it has slid quite comfortably into the ridiculously unacceptable category and I am no longer accepting it. I don’t care what she says she wants or what she says she doesn’t want, this has gone on for way too long. Some things just have to be done and after all, the time is right.

This is it, the big one, the big 3-8. Yes, okay, thirty would have technically or even traditionally been the “big one”, and it will definitely be undeniably epic in two years when she hits the big 4-0, but I’ve had enough of this craziness and I’m not waiting anymore. The rounded numbers thing is neat, but it’s in no way as important as finally celebrating her birthday properly once and for all. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all going to be the “big one” from here on out, and when she hits forty we’ll just make it even bigger.

Now I’ve known Faith for twenty-one years and I’ve been her friend for about fifteen, if you don’t add in the four months back at the beginning before she went evil and we tried to kill each other. I’ve had the pleasure of being her lover for just over fourteen years and her wife, according to the laws of Cleveland, for four glorious years. None of how that turned out is exactly a surprise to me because once Faith found sanity again and gave me a little time to remember how much I liked and was attracted to her, well, things just sort of followed their natural path. And just like when we first met, I couldn’t resist her, and since she was the new and mature Faith, why would I even try?

Well, I guess maybe because I’m not an idiot and also because I can hold a wicked grudge, especially when it’s deserved. And Faith would be the first one to admit that she had earned some big time anger and distrust from me, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that something was different with her. Whatever it was was huge, not at all surprising since whatever the girl does, she does “big or goes home”, and it made all the difference when it came to me giving her another chance. Also working in her favor was the fact that when someone stands voluntarily at your side fighting to the death during the apocalypse to end all apocalypses, well, maybe they’re proving something about themselves that can’t be denied. Bygones clearly needed to be gone.

The first thing we had to do was learn how to be friends, an extremely difficult work in progress that took nearly a year after the total destruction of Sunnydale. Yea, go team! There were some, okay, many serious ups and downs, but then things levelled off and as Faith put it, it was – “Just like ridin’ a biker, B.” So was becoming lovers about a year after our friendship goal was met, and although that biker phrase makes absolutely no sense when it comes to describing the incredibly tasty next step in our relationship, it still somehow seemed to sum it up perfectly. And I can positively confirm that there was definitely some kind of riding involved. Repeatedly.

Love came quickly to me, I guess I’m just that kind of girl, but there were still a couple of surprises involved. The first one was the intensity, the degree of love I felt for her. Angel has always been the measuring stick for me, although Spike came pretty close in another kind of way, and I knew better than to expect to ever feel like that again. You don’t get love like that too many times in your life, maybe never, and I knew I had been lucky and it couldn’t possibly happen a third time. All of that turned out to be the absolute truth because Faith didn’t make me feel that same way, not even close.

Somehow she zoomed me right past my previous high, and I soon found myself in uncharted territory – confused, uncertain, and wondering what fresh hell I was headed to and how much pain was going to be waiting for me when I got there. And that wasn’t paranoia, that was experience talking. Experience with love and experience with Faith, and Smart Buffy should have known better than to fall so hard for the most unattainable, closed off, refuser to acknowledge even the most basic of real feelings under penalty of death, person on the planet. Yep, it was more than safe to say I didn’t have the highest expectations for how it was all going to turn out in the end.

But I guess that’s why they call it falling in love because that is exactly what you do. It’s completely out of your control, at least if you do it right it is, and one second you’re standing firmly on solid ground and the next you’re losing your balance and tumbling headfirst. Not anybody’s best look maybe, but at least when it comes to this love, it was for sure my best feel. And while I knew without a doubt that that part of it was absolutely true, I was also scared out of my mind because there is nothing worse than not knowing how the other person feels or if she’ll ever even own up to it.

So I did my best to protect myself. I tried to minimize my love, never showing it to her in full, convincing myself that was what she wanted from our relationship, when of course it was all about me not leaving myself vulnerable. I think that strategy is understandable, especially when you consider that my heart was already so long gone, no matter what I did or didn’t reveal, I was never getting it back.

It was her. Of all the people in the world, it was Faith Lehane who had to walk into my gin joint, and thanks to her making me watch Casablanca, I knew exactly what that phrase meant. In short, it meant I was screwed and at the mercy of someone I wasn’t confident had any, at least not when it came to being in love.

Five months into our relationship, I knew help was required and I tried to get some. I talked to Willow, although I so totally chickened out, I think it ended up with her thinking I was in love with Kennedy. Or maybe Andrew. Anyway, all my failed attempt managed to accomplish was to make it clear to me that if I couldn’t be honest, no one could help me. It was more than a little depressing because I knew honesty was nowhere near me and wouldn’t be showing up any time soon either. Thankfully I was able to be there for me, and I managed to give myself some brilliant advice which I gratefully took.

I pulled back from Faith and became distant, which hey, been there, done that more than a few times in my life and almost always with great success. In fact, I think it’s fair to claim that’s my standard approach to most of life’s uncomfortable situations, and it usually leads to a breakup when it comes to romance. This time wouldn’t be any different, I knew that, and oh well. Drastic situations call for drastic actions, and it was better for her to think that I didn’t need her than to know I’d choose being with her over ever seeing the sun again. That’s pretty much the ultimate sacrifice for this California girl stuck in snowy Cleveland, and why does everything with me always seem to lead back to the vampire life somehow?

Anyway, decision made, drasticiness engaged, and life carried on while I waited her out.  Just two months after my talk with Willow, it was behold my success as everything went exactly as I expected it to. Well, everything except for the fact that Faith didn’t respond like I was so positive she would. Talk about not knowing what you’re doing. What I’m doing. What she doing. What we doing. What anybody doing.

We were in bed together after sex and I was in her arms and running my finger slowly along her chest. I was marveling at how wonderful she always made me feel, how her skin was so smooth and soft, how we were in such a perfect moment in time together, but really I was there all alone. “Fuck buddies” is what I knew she would call us if I asked her to describe what we had, and I found myself tearing up and fighting it back because crying would be the worst thing I could possibly do, short of blurting out all of my messy, serious, tie her down, lock her in, no more free and easy sexual relationship feelings.

All that left for me was to stay right where I was, listening to the beating of her heart and wishing it beat for me, even just on every other beat. And who was I trying to kid? I’d have even taken every third or fourth beat, but nope, I was Buffy No Beats. We snuggled there in silence, a snuggle I knew I should be grateful for because she had told me right at the beginning how it was for her. That was way back in the good old days when we first had sex, when I was all carefree and gay and unaware that I was in love with her:

“Never did this before.”

“I find that incredibly hard to believe.”

“Not the sex, B. This sticking around stuff.”

“Oh. Well why are you doing it now?”

Faith laughed, which made me want her again right that very second.

“Pretty sure you’re not the kinda girl somebody just hauls ass on.”

The warm heat that went through me at that casual comment should have told me I was already in trouble, but I didn’t pay any attention. I was too busy sliding over on top of her, delivering sexy kisses, and looking into her beautiful brown eyes.

“And I’d say that was a pretty smart assessment.”

“Yeah, well, not like I just met ya, B.”

Happy times, but then there we were seven months later and I was miserable because I was certain I was on my way to getting what I wanted. Or at least what I had talked myself into believing I wanted. Which wasn’t what I wanted at all.

What I wanted was to stay in her arms and eventually fall asleep happy and content, but instead I was just waiting around for my world to collapse. I felt her inhale and here it came, the big moment I’d worked so hard to make happen. Let us all bow down to the fabulous: Buffy Summers Drastic Action Plan.

“Hey, B?”

I had to swallow hard to clear my throat and not let her hear the tears that were building.

“Uh-huh?”

“I do somethin’ wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

Her arm tightened around me and I wanted to melt into her.

“It’s just lately, kinda feels like…I don’t know, like you’re not here.”

And cue the applause, because I was such a master at this. Now you see me, now you don’t, and please make sure to use the nearest exit and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. God, it felt like I was going to die, so I said nothing.

“See thing is, B, I got nothing to compare it to, but I thought we were goin’ good. I mean, I felt good and thought you did too. Sorta seemed like we were…I don’t know, headed someplace.”

What? What was she saying? I still said nothing, choosing instead to freeze as I mentally rapid fired through everything she might be meaning. Her arm let go of me and she sighed deep enough to blow out a lung. Then she started getting up.

“Never mind, I don’t even know what I’m gettin’ at. Guess the rock’em, sock’em made me stupid.”

I grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving:

“Wait, what are you saying?”

She actually blushed and tried to keep moving:

“Just talking crazy, B.”

“Faith, wait, okay?”

But she shook me off and was up and getting dressed so fast it was basically a blur.

“Catch ya later, yeah?”

Okay, Slayer speed was being used against me, but then I remembered I had my own and I just beat her to the door. Her eyes looked so sad, even though they looked me up and down as I stood blocking her exit with my naked body.

“We need to talk.”

She shook her head:

“Nah, it’s no big. I just thought...Look, see ya tomorrow.”

“You thought what?”

She tried to gently shove me off to the side with her hand on the doorknob.

“Faith, you thought what?”

“It’s stupid, okay? Just been carrying some thoughts and I thought somehow we were maybe carrying’em together. We’re not and yeah, okay, that’s cool. Just gonna...”

Fear is so strange. When you let it, it controls you. It makes you think stupid thoughts, makes you do stupid things, and I learned a long time ago that it’s never the end of the story unless you let it be. Because we can all go past it, look it right in the eye, and still do what needs to be done. Call it Slayer 101, but it’s Buffy 101 too, and I almost made the worst mistake of my life because I somehow forgot that.

“I love you, Faith.”

“…motor. What?”

She had the door open a couple of inches, but I pushed it shut.

“I said I love you. So much, you’re probably going to need to get a restraining order.”

Her eyes were huge, shocked, and confused.

“What are you saying? Like in love with me? Not like a friend love, but a love love?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

She was shaking her head and not looking at me:

“No you don’t. That’s crazy talk.”

I reached for her, but she stepped back.

“B, you…Buffy, you can’t just say that.”

“I want you to know.”

“Yeah, okay, but it’s serious shit and you can’t just toss it out and not really mean it.”

“I agree, it is serious, which is why I’m being completely serious. I’m in love with you.”

Then just like that she was mad:

“Wow, you’ve done some real shit before, but this has gotta be the worst fucking thing ever! I can’t believe you’d even…I’m outta here!”

This time when I grabbed her, she swung at me. Since I was fluent in Faith, I expected it and used her momentum to spin her around. Her back was against my chest with my arms wrapped tightly around her to keep her there. I was relieved to be covered up because even if somebody’s seen you naked a million times, it’s still more than a little awkward to have a big emotional conversation when you don’t have any clothes on and the other person does.

She clearly wasn’t putting much importance on my modesty and didn’t seem to be taking any pride in being used as my clothing. Instead she focused on her own priorities and struggled to break loose, but I had her arms pinned at her sides. Our bodies were so close together, there wasn’t much she could do except the reverse head butt she tried that I was ready for and easily avoided. A stream of profanity was pouring out of her and I let her go on for a while before I put my lips to her ear:

“Faith, I’m in love with you. I got scared and I messed it up, but please let me explain.”

I said I love you a few more times, all accompanied by a few tiny kisses around her ear and cheek and neck, and finally she calmed down.

“Can let go, B.”

And I did.

When she turned to face me, there were tears on her cheeks and still brimming in her eyes. I took her hand in mine and eased us back to the bed where I grabbed the sheet to wrap around myself. We sat side by side and I explained everything to her, happy that she was really listening.

“So that’s how dumb I am, Faith. I made all of these assumptions and based everything on who you used to be, instead of trusting what I was seeing and feeling right now. I’m an idiot and all of this stupid stuff is because I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and it…”

I never got another word out for over an hour, unless you count moaning and saying her name. When the dust finally cleared or settled or whatever dust is supposed to do, we were right back where we’d started: naked and in each other’s arms. But this time we were happy. And content.

“I love you, B.”

I smiled and kissed her breast.

“Well then, I guess we are carrying the same thoughts, F.”

“Yeah, can ya believe it?”

I rose up so I could look her in the eye:

“It might seem crazy now, but we’ll get used to it over the next sixty or seventy years.”

Her smile lit up the whole world:

“Let’s make it an even hundred, B.”

And we did, and we’re well on our way. I think we’re both convinced by now, although every once in a while, I still catch Faith smiling and shaking her head.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just I gotta be the luckiest bitch who’s ever lived.”

I think that’s true because she always gets extremely lucky after saying something that sweet.

Anyway, back to this birthday dilemma.

At first it just never occurred to me that she wasn’t having a birthday. We weren’t friends, there was a lot going on as we worked to get established in Cleveland, and there were a hundred other girls to deal with. I didn’t know any of their birthdays either, and at that point, Faith’s personal life wasn’t even on my list of concerns.

Then we became friends and a year later we were lovers. There were plenty of issues for us to deal with and her missing birthday, while sort of on my radar, wasn’t exactly the most pressing thing. Occasionally I’d drop a hint, but she never even came close to picking any of them up and she clearly wasn’t going to. That was fine with me because what I knew of her background wasn’t the nicest stuff I’d ever heard, and I felt she should be allowed to keep her secrets if she felt she needed to.

Faith values her privacy, it took me about six thousand years just to find out her last name, and she doesn’t like to talk about her past. There was obviously some kind of trauma involved with her birthday, and just because I was curious and dying to celebrate with her, that didn’t mean I wanted to dredge up a bunch of bad memories. Yes it would have been nice if things had been otherwise, but they weren’t, and I didn’t find it all that hard to just let it go.

That was my attitude for a long time, but then as the years went by, I found it increasingly unacceptable that she didn’t tell me. I mean, she shared all sorts of difficult things with me, what was so awful about her birthday that she wouldn’t say anything at all? Still I did my best to ignore the situation a lot of the time, but it always came to the forefront, at least for me, when we celebrated my birthday every single year. Because that’s how birthdays work, a yearly occurrence for everyone. Except Faith.

Eventually it got to the point where something had to change, but I still didn’t just charge in. Instead I approached the subject as delicately as possible, making little comments here and there and bringing up the subject in a way that made it clear she could share a little or a lot, whatever she felt most comfortable with. That unfortunately became our status quo as she chose a third choice: nothing, and after a long time of that not working, I finally took a much more direct approach:

“Don’t you trust me?”

“Course I trust you, B.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

“It’s just weird and kinda embarrassing.”

I laughed, which I was sorry about later, but I didn’t know and I said the first thing that popped into my head:

“When is it: 6/6/66? Wait, that’s way too old. ’76? No, that messes up the joke.”

“Who cares when it is, B?”

“I care! You’re always so good to me on mine, and I’d like to return the favor and treat you special.”

“You treat me special every day. And anyways, we’re not keepin’ score.”

But I really couldn’t just let it go anymore. Somehow it had become important to me, and I felt like it signified something important in our relationship.

“Faith, it’s a big deal to me and it has been for a while. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to give me a decent explanation.”

“Alright, what do ya wanna know?”

Everything, whatever she felt comfortable with sharing at that point, how about anything at all? She surprised me by choosing the first option, and I found out that while she wasn’t exactly uncaring about it, she wasn’t particularly traumatized or hiding her true feelings either. And it wasn’t that she thought birthdays were stupid, she just thought they were unnecessary. At least for her.

The explanation for how this had become her thought process was a really simple one…in a bizarre, impossible to believe, insane way. What it came down to was this: Faith Lehane had no idea when her birthday was.

“Maybe December? Sometimes got a present at Christmas and Ma always said it was for my birthday too.”

It was not at all what I was prepared for. I thought it was going to be about her hating to talk about herself or that she had had some bad birthdays over the years. Which solidarity, Slayer, even if it was a solidarity of the minor kind in comparison. But what I wasn’t ready for was the possibility that she didn’t know any more than I did, and it threw me off balance which made me ask stupid questions:

“Didn’t anybody in your foster homes ever celebrate?”

“Yeah, the checks I brought in. Not like they were gonna hand some of the dough back to me.”

“Okay, but you went to school, so you had to have a birth certificate to enroll.”

“Makes sense, but I never saw it or asked.”

“Well then what hospital were you born in?”

“Wasn’t. Ma had me in some dive her and her sister lived in.”

Yes, that’s right. Faith was born at home in one of those quiet, natural, peaceful births where the baby is delivered in a birthing pool of warm soothing water with an experienced mid-wife standing by and offering comforting words of encouragement and instruction, all while supervising the beautiful process and making sure everyone is as safe as can be while the baby emerges lovingly into the world with the least possible amount of stress for all involved. Right.

It turns out that Faith’s Aunt Kathleen, who was three years older than her mom…Faith’s mom and not the sister’s own mother, which given the insanity of this story needs to be clarified…had been a nurse until she got caught repeatedly taking her patients’ medications instead of dispensing them. She eventually became a full-blown addict and everything that sometimes unfortunately goes along with that, and like good older sisters everywhere, she got Faith’s mom to follow in her footsteps. Based on what Faith knows of her Aunt Kathleen, it was just lucky that she wasn’t too far gone to bring Faith into the world that particular night when Mary Kate Lehane went into surprise labor right there on the ratty pull-out sofa in the ratty pull-out apartment where Faith decided to make her worldwide debut.

At least that’s the story Faith was told, and a search of all the hospitals past and present anywhere near the Boston area, which then at my request developed into a complete waste of time national search, turned up nothing that could even remotely contradict it. I also had Willow check the three schools that Faith could remember going to, but they were all long gone as was the agency that kept placing her in one horrible foster home after another. Will managed to find some records with her amazing computer skills, but there was no real information on Faith beyond the things we already knew, and her birthdates were all different or just not there. I guess people can get away with a lot more when they live on the other side of the tracks.

The bottom line? There was no official record of Faith ever being born.

“Consider me breathin’ in and out my official record, B.”

I went to Giles, explaining what I was trying to do and what I had already done. He listened patiently and then delivered his own dead end:

“As you know, all of the official records were lost when the Council Headquarters was destroyed, but there was never much information when it came to Faith’s background. There was certainly no birthdate listed beyond the year of her birth, and that was merely speculative and based upon the fact that nearly all Slayers are called between the ages of fourteen and seventeen. Faith’s age was simply estimated to be within the middle of that range, and whilst it makes sense and couldn’t be too far off, factually it means nothing.”

“I can’t believe the Council didn’t want to know more about her.”

Giles began polishing his glasses, lost in thought:

“Yes well, since Faith had already been called, the Council saw it as non-essential information. She wasn’t particularly approved of, most considered her a sub-standard selection who would be dead all too soon. Therefore, the prevailing attitude was it would be a waste of time to try and fill in the many blanks of her rather tempestuous background. She was seen as nothing more than an unpleasant placeholder, highly expendable, and not worth the effort.”

And here I was so sure I’d already hit my limit for despising Quentin Travers.

“Giles, have I mentioned lately how much I hate those people?”

“Not as of late, although I’m not surprised and must confess that I quite share your antipathy. I suppose we should focus on the great satisfaction we derive from the fact that not only is Faith still with us, she has proved to be an exemplary selection, indisputably one of the greatest Slayers in recorded history.”

I smiled, proud that Faith had shown them all, even if they were dead and couldn’t see her. Although maybe they could, but either way I was going to be sure to tell them in the afterlife. I assume they won’t be where I end up, at least I hope not, and I also assume the people in charge of Heaven will be more than happy to give history’s longest reigning Slayer a day pass so that she can pay a well-deserved:  “Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah” visit to the most consistently awful people in her life, dead or alive.

With that settled, I focused back in on Giles:

“But I’m still the very best Slayer, right?”

Giles replaced his glasses and tried to look like what he would describe as “vexed”.

“Yes, Buffy, I believe your first place Slayer ranking is firmly intact for the foreseeable future and well beyond, but I would like to think that you have outgrown such immature...”

“Hey, excuse me, but you are my Watcher and a little ego boost now and then doesn’t hurt a girl.”

“I’m not at all certain your already healthy ego should be even slightly budged, let alone ‘boosted’.”

Full vexation achieved, but I could hear the smile in his voice and see the affection in his eyes.

“Now, if we might for a moment set aside your remarkable career and return to the mystery of Faith’s birthdate – what is it precisely that you propose to do? You’ve already exhausted any avenues I would have suggested you pursue.”

Just great, in the way that meant it was completely awful. Still, it wasn’t like Faith not having a birthday caused any problems, at least not until Ohio finally decided to join the twenty-first century and let same sex couples experience the joys of holy matrimony. We were going to need some help to tie the knot.

Thankfully Willow was more than up to the challenge when it came to forging any and all documents, needed or otherwise. In fact, she was downright giddy about the whole thing:

“Look at me, I’m on the wrong side of the law! I’m like a bad ass counterfeiter from the ‘30s!”

Yes, that is exactly how I’d describe Willow. Mental note to self: monitor her classic movie watching and coffee intake.

Faith suggested December 25th as her birthday, even though I told her there was no way that was the right date.

“You know your mother just said that because she only had one gift.”

“Yeah, probably, but it’s past time me and Jesus had somethin’ in common. Figure sharing a fake birthday’s as close as we’re ever gonna get.”

“Faith, could you please take this a little more seriously? Birthdays are supposed to be a big deal. Cake, ice cream, presents, and fun. You know, your special day.”

“Can’t miss what ya never had. ‘Sides, love celebrating yours, so it’s all good.”

But that wasn’t quite accurate because it wasn’t all good. I was missing celebrating hers even if she wasn’t, but first things first. We had a wedding to have and a marriage to get started on, and Willow couldn’t wait to present her handiwork.

“Okay, so I looked it up and it turns out that you don’t need a birth certificate to get married. I made you one anyway because I figured it couldn’t hurt anything and it’s good to have just in case. What you do need to get hitched is a government issued picture ID, which is just fancy talk for a driver’s license. No more fake ID needed, Faith. Well, except you need mine, but you know what I mean. And here’s a social security card too, so now you’ve got the whole package.”

“That’s great, Red…Hey, where’s my library card?”

Willow, of course, took her seriously:

“Gee, I didn’t even think of that! Don’t worry, I can have one ready in fifteen minutes.”

“Will, she’s kidding.”

“Right, I knew that.”

But one was pushed under our front door that very night because, well because she’s Willow, and I guess it never occurred to her that literally anyone at any age can get a library card. It wasn’t really a surprise because what else can you expect from someone who had counterfeiting fever?

We applied the next day for a marriage license, presented our government and Willow issued picture ids, filled out the necessary paperwork, and paid the required sixty dollars. Our wedding took place just a couple of months later in a beautiful and romantic park, our honeymoon took place in the beautiful and romantic Maui for two beautiful and romantic weeks, and then we returned home, beautiful and romantic and forever “Mrs. Ball and Chain”, as Faith so charmingly refers to us. I don’t care what she calls us or has to say about it – she’s mine and it’s official. And that chain? Slayer proof.

“B, ya do know more than half of all marriages end in a divorce?”

“Not this one, F.”

She pulled me in close for a kiss:

“Course not. No way am I ever letting you outta here.”

And there it is – four years of absolute marriage perfection. Our life together is more than I could have ever hoped for. There are no secrets between us, everything is just right…except for Faith’s missing birthday because it turned out that knowing the truth didn’t really make that much of a difference. I still wanted to celebrate, still wanted her to feel special, and I still wanted something normal and fun for her.

Well, right here is where I draw the line. No more years are going by, she’s going to have her day, a birthday celebration to end all birthday celebrations…except it will be just the beginning because from here on out, she is definitely getting a celebration every single year on the same damn day…just as soon as I know when it is, which I will as soon as I figure out how to figure out when that is.

It wasn’t going to be an easy task, but it wasn’t impossible, it just couldn’t be. Some smart, outside the box thinking which I’m good at, was required, but I knew there was no way I could do it alone. I needed help of the major kind, the very majorist, and of course I knew just who to call and it wasn’t the Ghostbusters.

I sent Faith out of town on some Slayer busy work that would keep her away until later that night, partly because I wanted this whole birthday discovery thing to be a surprise and partly because she wasn’t as supportive of this – “stupid fucking issue you’ve been blowing outta proportion for years now” – as I’d like. It was going to be hard enough without her making it even harder and since I’m the boss, it was easy to send her out of the picture without anything seeming suspicious.

“But B, it’s Saturday! Can’t ya send one of the Potentials? I was gonna…”

“I know, baby, but Giles wants you to do it and I agree. It probably won’t be, but it could get a little rough.”

“Don’t see how­­­­, but if you’re so worried, send Jackie and Kanesha. Even toss in Joanie for a little extra...”

“Please, F? Take Jackie along for company and I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

With a kiss and a promise, she was unhappily off before 9:00 a.m., and I wasted no time in giving the Scoobies the all clear. On and off over the years, we had done everything conventional that we could think of to find out Faith’s birthday, and it was clear to everybody involved that it was now time to start getting creative. A few secret talks and we all agreed our best bet was to start by exploring the exciting world of astrology. I was confident that answers were soon going to be ours. 

We met at Willow’s just in case Faith returned home sooner than expected, something I was pretty sure wouldn’t happen, but why take unnecessary risks? Normally it would also be risky to do top secret research at Will’s, but Kennedy and her big mouth were safely on assignment in Argentina, a real assignment unlike Faith’s exaggerated one. That meant Willow’s apartment was our temporary headquarters, Ground Zero, Fort Knox, Hogwarts, and whatever other thing you’re supposed to call places like that. I called it safe, secure, and blessedly Kennedy free.

I was the first one to arrive and Willow already had all of the required research materials and then some, ready and raring to go. There were what looked like a thousand books stacked into four piles on her dining room table, several legal pads, pens, and pencils in front of each chair, and her laptop was up and running. She was also practically bouncing out of her seat with excitement:

“Hi, Buffy! I can hardly wait, this is going to be so much fun!”

Dawn and Xander got there not too much longer, and Xander was already into his weekend complaining routine as he walked in:

“Sorry, no researching for me on Saturdays, not unless it’s an apocalypse. I’m only here for the final decision making.”

“You’re here because you have to be, so sit down. You can order us pizza later.”

He grinned his most lovable grin:

“Pizza for lunch? Well okay, but only because you insist, Buffster.”

There were twelve signs, so each of us took three, which didn’t seem like too many to handle. Since astrology wasn’t exactly a science with an exact formula to go by, we were going to have to take our time and cover everything thoroughly. But I wasn’t worried. Over the years we’d had a million tougher assignments, ones with actual lives at stake, so looking through some star profiles was going to be a piece of cake. Chocolate, chocolate cake. Or maybe white cake with chocolate frosting. They were Faith’s favorites when homemade, and just like that decision made: we were having both at her party.

We had just started digging into the research when Willow’s phone rang.

“Hi, Giles. Nothing. I mean, nothing unusual. No siree, no research happening anywhere in sight! Yep, she’s right here.”

She put her hand over the phone as she gave it to me:

“It’s Giles. I don’t know why I panicked, but I don’t think he suspects anything.”

I took the phone:

“Hi, Giles, what’s up?”

“Do I even wish to know?”

“Not really.”

It turned out that Giles urgently needed to see me in his office and after talking to him, I hurried back to my place. I changed clothes, grabbed some weapons, and less than twenty minutes after I’d left, I was back at Willow’s and doing my best to hide my irritation. 

“Will, can you teleport me to Argentina?”

“Sure. Hey, isn’t that where Kennedy is?”

“Yes, but there’s nothing to worry about, Will. They just need a little expert advice.”

Or a solid ass kicking, which I absolutely could not wait to deliver. I was already visualizing kicking Kennedy’s butt all the way back home when Xander interrupted my pleasant fantasy:

“Well isn’t this mighty convenient? We’re all stuck here researching on a beautiful Saturday morning that will all too quickly become a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and you’re off to go gallivanting around the world.”

“Xander, will you please stop whining? I’m not ‘gallivanting’ anywhere, I have to work.”

“So you say. A show of hands if you think this is highly suspicious and even higherly unfair.”

He raised both, Dawn raised one, and Willow handed me a little magical doodad thing.

“When you want to come home, just say where and it’ll bring you right back. Tell Ken I said hi.”

She asked if I was ready, then she murmured some teleporty stuff, and I faded away. The last thing I heard before Argentina was Xander yelling:

“I’m eating your share of the pizza!”

Okay yes, I admit it was perfect timing for me because why would I want to research something about Faith, the most fascinating person in the whole wide world, when I could instead be dealing with Kennedy, the most irritating person in the whole wide world? For reasons known only to herself, Kennedy had created a totally ridiculous and unnecessary problem all because she refused to do what she was supposed to do. She apparently preferred to bitch, moan, and just generally Kennedy it up until she had Rona so riled up over nothing, even Vi couldn’t straighten it out, let alone complete the mission.

What that meant was that I had to put my own important plans on hold so I could teleport halfway around the world and maturely step in to resolve the problem and get them back on track:

“No, you’re stupid, Kennedy. Are too! Yes, you are. Tell Will, I don’t care! No, you shut up!”

I got back home three hours later, crisis averted until the next time Kennedy opened her mouth. I took a quick shower and changed my clothes, then headed out into the hallway and walked the three doors down from mine to find everybody at Will’s finishing up with their research. I was starving and happy to find that Willow had saved me four slices, although each one had a small bite out of it.

“Dawn!”

“What?”

“Can’t you ever act your age?”

The look on her face made it clear she couldn’t or wouldn’t.

“How do you even know it’s mine?”

“Years of experience lets me recognize the bite pattern.”

“Right. CSI: Slayer Ohio.”

Xander got me a couple of cans of Diet Coke and I ate quickly while they all got organized. It was decided I should be the one to keep a detailed list of the traits for each sign, which was more than fair since I hadn’t done anything else.

“But Buffy, remember we’re going to have to compare everything when we’re done, so make sure you write neatly.”

“I will, Will.”

“Maybe you’d better print to be sure, Buff.”

“I’ve got it, Xander.”

Boy, write a few illegible, important end of the world messages, and your friends never let you forget it.

Willow had the first four signs, so she got us started.

“Okay, first up is Aries.”

Explosive temper, dives into situations headfirst, audacious, passionate, hates details, and case closed. How lucky was that? Faith had turned out to be the first one, and why hadn’t Willow spoken up so that they didn’t have to keep researching the other eleven signs? Oh well, no one looked mad, so I guess it didn’t matter. We’re all aware of how much Willow loves to research and she obviously just got carried away. Nothing new there and I could certainly be big about it, especially since I hadn’t done any of the work.

I was already back with the two cakes we were having and moving right ahead to the other details of Faith’s party, except this time I was planning out an Aries themed one in my head. Despite the fun I was having, I made myself put that on hold for a minute because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. The gang had spent half of their Saturday off helping me out, and it was now time for some well-deserved Scooby praise of the enormous kind. 

“Great job, guys! I guess that’s what you get when you have an experienced, well-oiled team applying their many experienced and well-oiled work skills to a personal problem. Will, what are the dates that make somebody a yak?”  

“It’s a ram, but Buffy, there are some other things to consider.”

Dawn was digging around in her purse, probably for her car keys, but she paused to look at me before we both looked at Xander, then all looked at Willow.

“Good things or bad things?”

“Well, both. It also says she’s optimistic, innocent, trusting, clumsy, uncomplicated, and playful. She doesn’t hold grudges or feel any malice, and she’s just a generally cheerful person.”

Dawn spoke up first:

“Um…we’re still talking about Faith, right?”

Willow was apologetic:

“It doesn’t exactly seem like a fit, does it?”

I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t discouraged either:

“How many big things can be completely wrong before it’s officially not her?”

Willow was flipping back to the beginning of one of her books, then she grabbed another one:

“I don’t think there’s an established criterion when it comes to that, but I’d say those are already some pretty substantial differences. Let me keep reading.”

There were a few more matches, but also about a million things that were so far off base, it was clear that Faith wasn’t an Aries.

“Okay, so she’s not the first sign, but who really thought she would be?”

That was me being all positive, the very picture of somebody who was Don Ho. Wait, no, that’s somebody Mom saw in Las Vegas on her honeymoon. Gung ho, is what I was. Gung ho and leading the troops with my zesty positivity:

“It’s no problem, guys, there are still plenty of fish in the sea.”

Willow was already back to her notes:

“True, but no way is she a Pisces. That’s my sign.”

Taurus was out – they were all about being calm and stable, and no one in their right or wrong mind would ever call Faith “the voice of reason”. She did love kids though, and was incredibly stubborn and loyal, not to mention that boy oh boy, could the girl ever work well with her hands. Still, words like “placid”, “relaxed”, “steady”, and “patient” made it clear that the Bull was just so much bull when it came to Faith.

Gemini was way off too, what with their innocence, indecisiveness, nervousness, love of talking, and ability to express emotions freely. I mean sure, while Faith could talk all day long if she chose to, she rarely chose to, and she didn’t exactly “dazzle” anybody with her words either. And no one would ever call her even remotely innocent, not in any way.

However, the Gemini among us was wildly pleased with himself:

“Hey, from now on call me…Mr. Dazzle.”

Dawn barely even glanced at him:

“How about we call you: Mr. Eats More Than His Fair Share of the Pizza Every Single Time?”

“Or wait, should that be The Dazzler? No, Mr. Razzle Dazzle!”

Willow finished up with her last sign: Cancer, which beyond being secretive, emotional, and persuasive, didn’t seem to have anything that related to Faith. For example, one major thing with Cancers was being big with the passive-aggressive approach to life. Faith has never been “passive” anything in her entire life, instead preferring the aggressive-aggressive approach at almost all times. And she was in no way nostalgic or what anyone would call a hoarder, and she was about as far from “clingy” as a person could get.

Another trait mentioned was that Cancers wouldn’t put up with anyone criticizing their mothers, and despite the fact that I always tried not to comment negatively about hers because it seemed mean and insensitive, Faith didn’t really have a problem with it if I did:

“Yeah, gotta say she sucked. Every which way.”

In case it wasn’t already crystal clear that Faith wasn’t a Cancer, Dawnie made the best point of all:

“Buffy, that’s my sign.”

“Ah, the Abnormal Cell.”

“It’s the sign of the Crab, Xander, and what I’m getting at is – how could Faith and I be any different?”

Point very much taken, and we moved on to the next four signs with Dawn explaining what she’d found.

“Leo seemed like a good fit with the whole no backing down thing, plus they’re passionate and love the spotlight. They’re also loyal and big fighters with lots of emotional turmoil. But then it started to go off the rails by saying how stable she is, plus cheerful, and they specifically used the words: ‘vivacious’ and ‘sunny’ to describe her. She’s also supposed to be fairly artistic too, which I don’t think the terrible stick figures she draws can in any way be considered ahead of their time.”

“It’s a guy throwing a fucking Frisbee!”

“With his foot?”

“For Christ sake, Xander, see the fingers?”

“Yep, all three of them.”

“I want another partner for this stupid game!”

“Then there’s my favorite part – she never holds a grudge and doesn’t like to face reality. Yeah, right.”

Virgo wasn’t even remotely on the table. In fact, it wasn’t even in the house that the table was in. Almost everything mentioned involved a love of details and facts, a careful approach to life that used a calm and methodical method to everything, and more affection for logic than a normal human being could logically stand. Virgos were also big with tradition, and these worrywart perfectionists were reserved in almost everything they did – it actually said “reserved clothing” – and they always put work ahead of fun. Hello there, Giles.

Virgo was definitely the sign of The Watcher and despite me agreeing with Dawn just a couple of signs ago, it was really Giles and Faith who were the actual two people most different in the entire universe. By far, and I say we need to include all of the other known universes too. And the unknown ones. And any future ones that might happen. Times a billion.

The Libra profile was so silly when applied to my better half, Willow snorted out loud, then almost choked on her root beer. Dawn kept going, but it was obvious with every word she read that Faith had a better chance of actually being Don Ho than a balanced scale. I need to look him up.

Libras were all about balance, peace, and harmony. Their main goal in life was to keep everyone happy and they always did their best to avoid confrontation. Sure they were also friendly and could be non-conformist, but that was mainly because they were trying to cooperate and fairly consider everyone’s viewpoint.

They were known as the diplomats of astrology, and I was sure the United Nations would be calling Faith any day now. To add insult to injury, Libras loved art and please see the stick figure reference above. If that’s not conclusive enough, apply Faith’s comments a few years ago, in order, when we were lucky enough to see a Picasso, a Pollock, and a Monet:

“What the fuck is this? Guy’s face is melted and those fingers. Hey, look how somebody just tossed a few buckets of paint all over the place. B, check it out – this guy can’t even paint in focus.”

We moved on to Scorpio, Dawn’s last sign, and we got off to a great start with their passionate nature and love of sex.

“Oh my God! Buffy, don’t make it any grosser by looking like that!”

“Like what? I’m just sitting here.”

“No, you’re sitting there thinking of specifics with that icky smile on your face and your neck turning red.”

I do tend to blush from the neck up, but how was I not supposed to think of…

“So obviously not her, right?”

“I agree with Will. No way is that Faith.”

I snapped back to the real world to hear Willow and Xander dismissing another sign for reasons I was a hundred percent unclear on, and I had to admit to daydreaming. But hey, so not my fault. Not after last night.

“Repeating for my disgustingly sex obsessed sister who makes me sick, Scorpios ‘R’ Not Us.”

“Could you just repeat the list, please?”

“Why should I have to?”

Willow stepped in to stop a major sister squabble before it really got going:

“Dawnie, Buffy can’t help that she spaced out. Come on, we’re trying to do a good thing here for Faith.”

That worked like a charm because despite all signs to the contrary, Ms. Abnormal Cell was crazy about Faith.

“Okay, fine, but pay attention this time. Scorpios have big egos, which Faith totally does.”

“And obviously well-deserved based on the Buffster’s latest trip down Daydream Highway.”

“Xander!”

He just laughed and Dawn’s eyes practically rolled off of her head:

“Can I please wrap this up? Again.”

She paused a second to be sure, then went over the information. Again.

“She’s intensely big with the passion when it comes to everything, and she’s also brave, stubborn, and secretive, hence us not even knowing the deal about her birthday forever. She’s absolutely energetic and violent, and she’s for sure big on getting revenge. But she’s not at all the kind who lies in wait for her best opportunity to get it, and she doesn’t approach life like it’s a chess game where she’s a bunch of moves ahead of everyone else. I mean please, she still can’t even wait out a three count before she jumps in, so I’m pretty sure that rules out her calmly biding her time until it’s just the right moment to strike.”

“Hmm…but some things seem kind of accurate.”

“Sort of, but Buffy, she’s also not a control freak, she’s not calm, and she’s not a truth seeker. She’s not fixated on the sub-conscious, doesn’t try to psychoanalyze everybody, and she’s not always looking for a deeper meaning to everything either.”

It was disappointing, but we still had four signs left and Xander sat up straighter as he cleared his throat:

“All right, may I present to you ladies…The Archer. That’s Sagittarius for those of you not in the know, and you can spot this sign by their infectious laugh, love of travel, and intense romance with money.”

“Great, two of the first three are already wrong.”

“Buffster, please. Butting in is no one’s friend.”

“Just go, Xander.”

“Sagittarians are not afraid, they’re extroverted, adventurous in life and as lovers, have a good sense of humor, love having fun and being free, and they’re often described as living larger than life.”

I was suddenly excited:

“Hey wait, this could really be her! Xander, what’s the birth range?”

He flipped back a page in his notes:

“November 22nd to Dec 21st. Hey, that’s right in the Christmas ballpark.”

I couldn’t believe it:

“So you mean her horrible mother might have been telling the truth after all? How ridiculous would that be?”

Willow looked almost as excited as I was:

“You know, in retrospect, we probably should have started with the sign that was…”

“Whoa, talk about jumping the gun. You guys, he’s only given us a few things, so maybe before we start celebrating we should hear the rest.”

She was right of course, but she’s still my baby sister, so I called her Dawnie Downer and told Xander to continue.

“Sagittarians are always on a quest for knowledge. They’re optimistic, happy, downright bubbly, serene, naïve, and idealistic. They make a lot of promises they can’t keep, they usually see the glass as half full, and they just basically radiate happiness. But back over on the yes side of Faith, they’re independent, impatient, and hate bullshit.”

If there was a zodiac sign for deflating, that one was unquestionably mine and Xander rushed to blow me back up:

“It also says she’s impatient, independent, has a good sense of humor, and seems larger than life.”

Dawn smacked him on the shoulder:

“You already said those.”

It turned out this stranger was also an explorer with a huge dose of wanderlust and a big love of the outdoors, a place Faith could happily never go again:

“Always hot or cold with a buncha animals and bugs waitin’ around to attack. Fuck it.”

She also never made promises she didn’t keep, and she would have been insanely offended if her supposed sign included that less than flattering characteristic:

“Nothing’s lower than a scumbag who doesn’t keep their word. Don’t say shit if you’re not gonna follow through.”

Terrific, we were running out of signs, and I knew without a doubt that she wasn’t the next one.

“Next up, we have the sign of The Slayer. Ladies and ladies, give it up for the GOAT of the stars – Capricorn.”

Difficult childhood, something Faith and I shared in varying degrees, inner fortitude, and an ability to overcome most obstacles. Hey, wait a second, this was working and it was still right around Christmas time, just like her terrible mother had claimed. And when I thought about it, sure Faith and I are very different, but we’re also very alike in some ways. I turned off all thoughts of myself and listened to Xander like I had no clue what being a Capricorn supposedly involved:

“They’re independent, tend to express their feelings with actions instead of words, and always expect the worst. They’re also no nonsense…”

This was all going great and was going to be the craziest thing ever. Faith and I the same sign?  How cute is that? We’d get little matching goat things.

“…but now here’s where we abruptly veer off into exclusive Buffster territory. Capricorns are responsible, disciplined, great leaders, fair, good at managing the people under them, and they always make good plans. They have great self-control, keep their emotions in check, and put achieving their goals ahead of everything else, even loved ones if that’s what it takes to succeed. They have trouble compromising and dealing with different personalities, and they can be condescending, cold, and distant when their emotions are involved.”

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Buff, but the stars never lie.” 

Except about Faith unless she was somehow an Aquarius, a possibility I wasn’t too confident about. I was a Capricorn born on the cusp of Aquarius, so I knew a little bit about that sign too, and what I remembered didn’t seem to fit Faith. Still, I wasn’t an astrological expert, so pay attention Buffy and keep an open mind.

Aquaries…Aquari…Aquariuses were rebels. Check. They despised authority. Two checks. They were non-conventional and free spirited. Perfect so far until they had a burning desire to change the world and fight for a cause. I mean sure, that’s what Faith has actually ended up doing for a living, but not because she was motivated by her burning passion to “mete out justice”. Justice got served as the end result of Faith doing what she loved to do the most: fighting and killing.

Okay, technically she loved fighting and killing second most because hello, I’m right here, and all of that led dead ahead to the claim that Aquari could be somewhat distant in their most important relationships. No, not exactly. In fact if Faith were any nearer in ours, we’d be wearing the same shirt together, pants too, and she was also very close to several of her friends. Aquarians were also supposed to be creative, philosophical, and they greatly enjoyed teamwork and intellectual conversation. Add in their tendency to be shy and quiet, well can you really pull something from laughing so hard?

Our last chance was Pisces, Willow’s sign, so how was that going to be possible? Still it was our last chance, so come on fishies! It started off strong: sensitive, intuitive, extremely adaptable, sad, generous, and emotional. Just perfect, but then for the millionth time came artistic, followed by gentle, selfless, fearful, overly trusting, quirky, friendly, always willing to help, and having a big hatred of cruelty. Pisces also preferred to ignore problems as long as they could, and they often took on the needs of the people around them. There was no doubt about it, we were clearly in Willow Rosenberg territory which was nowhere near where Faith lived or even sometimes hung out.

And that was that, we were done. All twelve signs were present and accounted for, and we just sat there quietly in our failure until Xander spoke up:

“Okay, people, let’s brainstorm here. Buff, what do your notes say?”

I looked down at the yellow pages of my legal pad, lifting one after the other, then placing them down to look again.

“Not much, although they are very neat.”

“But they have to say something.”

I nodded, continuing to look through them:

“Sure, but none of them say ‘Faith’.”

Willow was frowning and held out her hand for me to give her the notes:

“Let’s not get discouraged. Faith has to be a sign, maybe we’re just not looking at it right.”

She then suggested we go sign by sign and see how many traits fit best from each.

“Isn’t that what we already did?”

“Well yes, Dawnie, but if we make yes and no columns, it might make things clearer.”

I didn’t exactly follow her logic or see how it was all that different of an approach, but since she’s Willow, I went with it. We wrote each sign down on a sheet of paper, made yes and no columns, and then slowly went over everything again while we ate some subs and chips from Joe’s Deli. Two hours and a few arguments later, we had all of the yeses and noes tallied and still not much to show for it. However, we did have one bright spot, at least according to Dawn:

“Yes it’s true we still have nothing, but at least it’s a more horoscopically informed nothing.”

Boy, my baby sister should be a motivational speaker, a fact made clear by our return to a depressed silence. She wasn’t giving up though:

“Guys, she has to be something.”

We decided to take a break when Willow informed us that she had a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream in her freezer. Xander did the manly thing and took charge:

“Ladies, fear not and be of good cheer! Cyclops is here and ready to scoop.”

We ate and talked about nothing, and when the ice cream was gone, we all felt refreshed and ready to get back to work. We went at it for another hour, but as crazy as it seemed, Faith simply did not fit any of the profiles.

“And I don’t understand how that’s even possible.”

“Well I’m quite sure I don’t know, Buffy. Perhaps searching for answers based on entirely fabricated, pseudo-scientific poppycock that contains absolutely no validity whatsoever, is not exactly the most effective approach to gathering information?”

“Yes, okay, but Giles, everyone else matches their signs! And sure, there are always things that aren’t quite right, but for the most part it’s easy to see who’s what. I mean, you are the Virgoist of Virgos, Willow’s obviously a Pisces, and Xander fits Gemini perfectly. Dawnie and I match our signs too, but Faith is all over the place and no place at all.”

Giles sighed big and took off his glasses for a disapproval cleaning.

“Buffy, really. You are much too intelligent to believe in that balderdash. There is literally nothing to astrology, no basis in factual data, not even a scintilla of scientific evidence. There are merely way too many devotees claiming whichever characteristics they prefer and simply ignoring the rest. It is beyond foolish that you have resorted to such a ridiculous…”

“It’s no more ridiculous than all of us not noticing for years that Faith wasn’t having a birthday. Besides, Watchers who live in oblivious houses…who live in…Watchers shouldn’t throw stones at their Slayer and make her feel dumb just for trying to do a nice thing.”

His glasses went back on:

“All right, point taken, but surely there must be another way to go about this that doesn’t involve such nonsense. Perhaps some small, but crucial details have escaped our notice and will turn up if we attack the problem logically using a reasoned and methodical approach. I’ll do some research on my end and let you know what I manage to turn up.”

I wanted to tell him to be sure to do his logically methodical research in his reserved clothing, but I decided to just let it go. Besides, he was right. There had to be another way to go about solving the problem and I was positive I knew just what it was: numerology.

Now I knew nothing about numerology except that it dealt with numbers and told you things about yourself and other people. But everybody knows how numbers are more specific, important, and definite than words, so hey, we’d have this mystery solved in no time. I headed to Willow’s room to run my idea by her, and thankfully she was home.

“Hi. Are you alone?”

“Yep, Kennedy’s at the dentist for a cleaning.”

I explained to her what I was thinking and while she wasn’t wildly enthusiastic, she wasn’t poo pooing the idea either.

“Buffy, I’m not an expert or even a novice, but I don’t think it works like that.”

“Okay maybe not, but it works in some way. And at least numbers are specific and important with no room for interpretation, right?”

She was already shaking her head:

“Not exactly. All numbers are way open to interpretation, and numerology numbers wouldn’t be any different. Besides, I think the whole thing is based on knowing the basics, like someone’s name…”

“Which we do.”

“…and their birthdate. I think that’s the most important thing to know.”

“Which we don’t.”

Willow was happily opening her laptop while I was sinking into a depression.

“No we don’t, Buff, but numerology does tell you things about a person.”

“Great, but I already know all about her personality. I just want to know when her stupid birthday is.”

She was already lost in reading and I did my best to stay quiet and wait her out. I made it close to two minutes, which for me was outstanding and possibly an all-time record.

“Do you have anything, Will?”

“Maybe. It seems like everything comes down to nine numbers, just in different categories. There are things like your Life Path Number and your name stuff too, but your birthdate is the main thing that’s used. They break that down in all kinds of ways.”

“So we are screwed.”

“Yes, but maybe no. I’m thinking there’s a way we can sort of possibly work backwards.”

My head wasn’t spinning yet, but I knew the signs and it was going to start twirling any second if I didn’t disengage.

“How can we work backwards when we don’t have any dates or numbers?”

“I’m not sure that we don’t have anything or that it can even help us or not if we do or don’t, you know? I need to understand numerology better first, then I can try to come up with a computer program that could help us organize any results we get into some more understandable data. That’s assuming, of course, that we can even get any data in the first place. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out.”

“Okay.”

I decided I might as well eat while I waited, so I went over to her refrigerator to grab a Diet Coke and see if she had made any of her famous tuna salad.

“Uh, Buffy?”

I didn’t see any, but she had half a salad from Lettuce Feed You, one of our favorite local restaurants. Their portions were so big, it was like half a salad was a whole one from anyplace else, and I kept digging around looking for some of their house dressing.

“Buffy?”

That stuff clearly had heroin in it because it was so completely addictive, and I wasn’t giving up until I found some. Then there they were in the fridge door: three servings, nicely chilled.

“I love you, Will!”

“I love you too, but...”

“And if you say I can eat this salad, I’ll even be your kept woman on the side.”

“Sure you can have it, no keptness required. But, Buffy?”

“Okay, you’re right, it is your favorite. I’ll split it with you.”

She was just staring at me and I finally realized she was talking about something else.

“What, Will?”

“It’s just, well this is going to take a while.”

“I understand, I’ll be really quiet while I eat.”

She was shaking her head:

“No, I mean longer than that.”

I finally got it and scooped up the salad stuff and my Diet Coke.

“Okay, I’ll come back in an hour or two.”

She was pulling out a notepad and a pen:

“Perfect, except add like a week to that.”

I think she meant it as a joke, but thanks to some Slayer world saving business, it was just about that long before we were able to get back to the important stuff.

We met this time at my place because I had arranged to send Faith and Kennedy safely to Chicago. I had sacrificed Vi to play peacemaker between them, which essentially meant trying to keep Faith from killing Kennedy. It had been a difficult assignment to make happen, but I had planned it out like a pro and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. Not even if Faith wasn’t planning on giving me yes for one.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Buffy, it’s fucking Saturday again.”

“I know what day it is, Faith. I guess the bad guys don’t care.”

“Well why’s it always gotta be me? Vi and Kennedy can handle whatever comes up.”

“But you’re the only one who can handle Kennedy.”

Faith’s face looked like storm clouds gathering:

“No, you handle her just fine. You fucking go.”

“I can’t. Giles is insisting we deal with some stupid Slayer Central stuff I’ve been putting off. It has to be dealt with now or...”

“Then send Willow!”

She was yelling, and it was so cute and sexy, I almost caved, But nope, there would be no caving for this Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. I had a goal to accomplish and nothing and nobody was getting in my way.

“There is good news, F.”

“Yeah? ‘Less it’s I don’t gotta go…”

 “We have tonight, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off.”

“Look, Buffy, I don’t give a shit if we got…”

“And I have already made us a reservation for a suite at the Waldorf Chicago. Our suitcases are already in the car you’re taking, and Will’s going to teleport me there after my long and boring meeting with Giles wraps up. No later than six o’clock or I’ll have to slay our Watcher.”

She brightened just like that, pulling me close and kissing me like she kisses me.

“And you promise we don’t gotta leave the room and can order room service out…”

“…the ass, F. Head Slayer’s honor.”

“It’s a deal, B.”

Problem solved until everyone got to my place and I found out Xander wasn’t taking the news too happily either:

“Really, Buffy? Every Saturday?”

I wasn’t about to have non-stop sex with him for three days in a luxury hotel, but there were other ways to handle him:

“But it’s not like last time. I’ve already ordered the food: pizza, subs, and the Chinese just got delivered. Unless there’s an apocalypse I will not be leaving, and the research won’t even be hard because Will’s going to do most of the work on her computer.”

Speaking of our very own genius nerd:

“That’s right, except no, because with all of the end of the world commotion going on this week, I didn’t have time to do anything computery.”

She went on to explain to her captive audience:

“I was going to invent a program that would gather all of the data we found, then extrapolate only the relevant dates by leaving out the impossible years like 1899 or 1943, before collating all of the most likely…”

Xander was already carrying the little white boxes over to the table:

“Math, Will, math and big words. Just tell us what we need to do.”

Dawn chimed in:

“I looked up some of it last night and did Faith’s name. We don’t know her middle name, do we, Buffy?”

“She doesn’t have one. What number is she, Dawnie?”

“Drumroll, please.”

Then she just sat there waiting to deliver her information until Xander drum rolled on his way back from the refrigerator with drinks for everyone.

“Faith Lehane is an Eight!”

An Eight! Willow had printed out a set of all the various pages we were going to need and then divided them up among us. It turned out that I had the relevant ones.

“Okay, I’ve got the explanation pages right here.”

Two minutes later, I still had the explanation pages right here. 

“Um, it says something about Saturn and exalted saints and afflicted criminals. Since I’m not an expert or a genius, all I can say is…huh?”

Xander gestured for me to hand over the papers:

“And here I thought you were a numerology buff.”

I tried to kill him with a look as I gave Willow the documents. She read everything, but was still unsure:

“Okay, I kind of get it, but I’m kind of confused too. I do think it’s nice that even if she’s afflicted, she’s still a proficient criminal. Let’s do you, Buff. Two examples might make it make more sense.”

It only took a few seconds to figure out I was a Four, and that meant what? Dawn read it out loud:

“You’re masculine, strong, well-informed on all topics, and boring. It also says if you’re afflicted you should just change your name. Okay, Barfy would make you a……”

I ignored her:

“Will, isn’t this supposed to be the easy part? I mean, how can something this straightforward be so…”

“…Five. Let me see how crappy you are now.”

“Dawn, will you please stop being…”

“It says you take risks, consider nothing impossible, and your intellect works with lightning speed. Gee, I guess they were just assuming you have some. It also says if you’re afflicted you tell lies, cheat others, especially in banks and the stock market, and you deliberately mishandle public funds.”

Xander lightly punched my arm as he slid my eggroll over to himself:

“That explains why my non-existent stock shares never pay off, you little crook, you.”

Willow got us back on track:

“Okay, guys, this part was just for fun, but it won’t help us with the birthdate. Let’s just forget about it and start trying to figure out the year of her birth.”

“I like your confidence Will, but how are we supposed to figure that out?”

I was with Xander, the whole thing seemed hopeless, but here is where Willow more than earned her genius reputation. And yes, technically she earned it years ago and a million times since then, but this was still unbelievably smart. Einstein Rosenberg was on the job.

“Well, we’ll start with what we know.”

“Which is what? Math bad, tree pretty?”

Dawn and Xander laughed at my brilliant wit, but Willow was all business.

“What we know for sure is that Faith was called on May 2nd, 1998 because that’s the day Kendra died.”

I still didn’t follow:

“Yes we positively know that, but how does that help us come up with Faith’s birth year?”

Willow was shuffling through her notes:

“Because Giles told you, Buffy, that Slayers were almost always called between the ages of fourteen and seventeen. That’s how it was for you and I think it’s safe to assume that it’s true for Faith as well. That means she was born somewhere between 1981-1984, right?”

I couldn’t have been more excited. Sure, we already knew that info, even if we hadn’t quite known we knew it, but the difference was that Willow was onto something. She was going somewhere with this and everything now seemed more promising than anything we’d done before. Suddenly there was real hope.

“Wow, that’s so smart, Willow.”

“Thank you, Dawnie.”

Xander was excited too and he asked the main question:

“Okay, Wise Wiccan Math Woman, how do we get it down to just one year?”

“Well, that part’s not so logical, but it could still work. We’ll carefully read the corresponding numerology descriptions to see which one we think fits her the best.”

No, not strictly logical maybe, but hey, numerology was still all about numbers and those have their own logic built right in no matter what Will says. Usually I don’t like numbers at all, but today they were my absolute favorite things and they were going to work with us, not against us like they always did in my algebra class.

Will explained all we had to do was add together the numbers of each individual year, then keep adding until we had it down to just one number. Xander wasn’t getting it at all:

“So, then it’s like a magic trick? Because how can adding numbers together keep giving us a smaller number? Shouldn’t we be subtracting to get less?”

“All groups of numbers can be reduced down to one through nine, unless they’re eleven, twenty-two, or thirty-three in numerology. Those are special.”

“Why?”

“Good question, Dawn, to which I don’t have all the answers. It’s something about the repeating numbers having stronger vibrations which makes things more intense. They’re called Master numbers, but let’s cross that bridge only if we have to.”

“I was always told that subtracting gets you less and adding always gets you more.”

We decided four heads were better than Xander’s, so we took the years one at a time. We started with 1981 because we all agreed that Faith was most likely seventeen when she first arrived in Sunnydale. We added separately, then shared our final number, and everyone came up with a one. Xander pushed for getting all of the math out of the way first before reading the descriptions, so that’s what we did.

1982 came out to a two, 1983 was a three, and 1984 reduced down to a four…except it was the dreaded twenty-two. A Master, and anyone who knows me knows I have never enjoyed Masters. Not even a little bit.

“Are we saying Faith could be a fruit punch mouth?”

“I’m not sure. Why don’t we eat lunch while I check on some stuff?”

We ate some pizza while we waited and after about twenty minutes, Willow was nodding her head.

“Okay, it’s not really that clear, at least to me, but I think you don’t call it a Master number if it’s just the year. If it was the whole birthdate, yes, because that would be the Life Path or Destiny number.”

Crickets chirping and Willow laughed.

“Let’s just proceed like it’s a four. We can always come back.”

Now was the fun part. We were going to see which number Faith was and have an actual birth year locked in. Since it was obvious that Faith wasn’t a Four – there was no way she was just fourteen when she first showed up in Sunnydale – we started with Number One. Seventeen years old seemed much more likely and Dawn, our Designated Reader, read it out loud. To everyone’s surprise, it quickly became obvious it wasn’t quite right.

Yes, Faith did enjoy being the center of attention, she had felt lonely as a child, and that loneliness, among many other things had made her independent. But she didn’t have a sunny disposition, holidays and vacations weren’t so important to her that she planned getaways at least once a year, and children and animals didn’t fill her life. She hardly, if ever wanted to just blend into a crowd, and none of us had ever noticed her displaying a regal attitude.

Fine, that just meant she was a Two and sixteen years old on her Sunnydale arrival date. Okay, until all too fast it was: Uh-oh, Cleveland, we have a problem. The more Dawn read, the worse it got, and I think Xander summed up our position on Faith being a Two once he stopped laughing:

“A farmer? A homemaker? Socializes extensively with her family? Her mother instilled a deep sense of compassion in her?”

Dawnie was doing her best to be openminded:

“That last one could kind of make sense if they mean having the world’s worst mother made Faith compassionate.”

“The only positive thing that monster did for Faith was give birth to her.”

My angry statement sort of brought everyone down and it took a while for us to pick back up again. Willow started off with a good point:

“You could interpret this part as Faith didn’t have a family and so she made one at her work place with us. It also says if she feels threatened, she can react a little over on the extreme side of things.”

“True, Will, but let’s not forget she would be really happy as a teleworker.”

He was laughing like a crazy man again and I couldn’t blame him. I also couldn’t believe Faith had only been fifteen; it would have been easier to believe that she was thirty when I first saw her. Still, facts were facts, and numbers never lie.

“Okay then, if we’re all agreeing Faith’s not a One or Two, that means she’s a Three.”

Xander had finally stopped laughing and saying he was going to ask Faith when the crops would be in, and Willow made it all seem better:

“It makes total sense that she was fifteen. That’s how old Buffy was when she was called.”

Dawn said what we were all thinking:

“Yeah, but boy…Faith sure seemed a lot older than that.”

Whatever, it was years ago and we had other things to worry about.

“Read Three, Dawnie.”

Travel and education were incredibly important. Faith apparently believed knowledge was power, a secret she’d been keeping from me for over twenty-one years, along with the fact that she was incredibly well-read. She also speaks more than one language, another surprise unless somehow the numerologists were counting her unique “Faithese” as an official language. She was wildly lucky with money and lived at a higher standard than her peers, a situation I was somehow completely unaware of despite our living together for thirteen years now. I did want to help her work on not arrogantly looking down on those less learned than herself, a much easier task now that I knew she had that specific problem.

I couldn’t have been more disappointed:

“So this is just like astrology, she doesn’t fit anywhere.”

“We still have one left.”

“Right, Will, and I think we all know that Faith was just six years old when we met.”

“Okay, yes, fourteen does seem a little too young, but she was pretty mature for her age. And since we’re already doing this, we might as well finish.”

Xander was strangely quiet, but Dawn wasn’t:

“Yeah Buffy, let’s find out if you were lusting after…”

“Shut up, Dawn!”

Number Four, as presented by Dawn Summers:

“Fours have lots of energy, and because they were poor when they were a kid in Boston…”

“Dawn…”

“…they seek out paid employment their whole life, like at Vinnie’s Garage even though she doesn’t need to. They’re independent and not afraid to do things on her own, even after you and Giles have yelled at her to work with the team.”

“I will hurt you.”

“They have a will of iron and can be intensely focused when they’ve set a goal, but sometimes they’re a little self-centered when trying to accomplish it. Faith can also be conceited, especially when she spots herself in a mirror or when she’s wearing leather pants, and she feels alone a lot of the time. She usually has good intentions, but she can sure be a big jerk if she thinks she’s being pressured or bossed around.”

I wanted to kill Dawn, but Willow took us someplace else:

“Okay, well that one seems like a pretty good fit. Maybe we should…”

“Wait, Faith is a Five!”

“A Five? Dawnie, we didn’t include…”

“Just listen, Willow. They’re good communicators having learned at the early age of thirteen that it’s important to charm people. They come from humble beginnings and can feel insecure about their status in a group of people. Because of their lack of confidence, they tend to embellish stories to make a good impression, such as hugging preachers in the nude and wrassling alliga …”

We were both up and she used Xander as a shield. He was desperately trying to remind us that we were no longer kids, and finally I turned back into an adult and maturely smashed her in the head with a pillow from the couch. I sat back down and after one more crack from Dawn about how we should ask Giles if any nine-year olds had ever been called, I made kind of a desperate suggestion:

“Guys, how about we do the yes/no column thing?”

“But that didn’t really help us with the horoscopes.”

“Yes, Xander, I’m aware of that. But this isn’t astrology, this is numerology. Math, right?”

“Right, but math that makes no sense.”

Willow again was the voice of reason:

“I don’t think it would hurt to try it. Maybe Faith’s a lot closer to a One or Two than it seemed like.”

I was glad they agreed because I wasn’t going down without a fight, a real one if necessary, but not even a verbal argument was needed. Just twenty minutes later and the results were in:

Seventeen-year-old Faith: 4 yeses/7 noes.

Sixteen-year-old Faith: 4 yeses/8 noes

Fifteen-year-old Faith: 0 yeses/11 noes

Fourteen-year-old Faith: 10 yeses/0 noes

Hi, let me introduce myself – I’m Buffy, the Cradle Robber. I guess that could seem like an overreaction, but compared to Xander’s response, I was calm and peaceful. Serene, even.

“Are we officially saying that Faith was fourteen?!”

We all jumped, he was so loud and out of nowhere.

“Gee, Xander where have you been?”

“Many places, Dawn, I’ve been many places. Hey, um…does anyone know about the statute of limitations in California?”

I had no idea what was going on, but he was clearly all worked up. Dawn was puzzled too, but Willow wasn’t:

“Xander, I don’t think you’re in any trouble. Besides being years ago, I doubt Faith’s going to be pressing charges against her best friend twenty years later.”

“But it’s against the law and I thought she was at least thirty-five!”

“Are you saying you and Faith had sex? Oh my God, that’s so freaking gross!”

Dawn’s expression was horrified and she looked like a little kid. Xander was nervously eyeing me like I was going to fly off into a jealous rage, which if I didn’t do that twenty years ago when I was truly jealous, I was pretty sure he was safe now.

“I shouldn’t be jailed for something I can’t even remember. Which I don’t, Buffy. Honest.”

“Xander, I’m not upset and I got over being jealous years and years ago. Just calm…”

“And here I thought Buffy having sex with Faith was the worst thing ever!”

“It was all such a blur, I’m not even sure I was really there!”

“…down. It was a different time and she was a lot younger than any of us thought she was. Everything’s fine now.”

We all needed another break and we finished off the pizza and Xander had his sub, all while trying to forget that I was a nearly eighteen-year-old woman fully lusting after a fourteen-year-old girl. Oh well, I really did think she was my age, and there’s no doubt that she was a mega hot fourteen-year-old who was now an even hotter thirty-five-year-old. Could it get any more inappropriate? God, Faith was never going to let me live this down. I could just hear her now:

“Damn, B, guess it’s always the quiet ones who are the pervs.”

When break time ended we were calmed and reinvigorated, and Willow announced it was time for us to decide on a month:

“It should be pretty straightforward. We’ll just pick the one that’s most like her.”

That optimism and stick-to-it-ness were just a couple of the many reasons why I loved Willow so much. I mean, who else would act like we hadn’t had one thing after the other not work out right? Although I guess maybe the year thing did work out, even though Xander and I weren’t pleased to learn that we’d been drooling over a fourteen-year-old. Okay, Buffy, just let it go.

Xander had obviously given himself the same pep talk and he was doing his best to recover:

“Alright guys, let’s get Faith nailed.”

“I think you already did that, Xander.”

“Dawn!”

“What, Buffy? If I have to have the nausea, I should be able to have the fun part too.”

Willow easily diffused the tension; Reason #3 on the list for loving Ms. Rosenberg:

“Can we please just let Faith’s youth stay in the past and focus on the now? You read the months, Dawnie.”

January through March started us off right, if “right” meant keeping the majority of our time in the “wasted and never getting it back” category. April was great in a “totally lukewarm, desperate for any possibilities at all” kind of way, but then May through September got us solidly back on the now wickedly familiar “hopeless” path. October wasn’t bad, it was by far the best one we had, especially when November and December were as clueless as they were. We focused in and after a little more in-depth research, we all became excited.

October said that Faith had a knack for being in the right place at the right time, was quick to take advantage of the moment, and could find herself extremely focused and not willing to wait once she had decided on a course of action. She was fine with going it alone and could also find herself in some intense power struggles when dealing with someone whose goals were at cross purposes to her own. And yes, I often want to kill her at those times.

She could draw people to her with her charming personality, but she also had a dark and scary side that only those closest to her fully knew about. I guess the numerology people didn’t count Cleveland’s demon population when it came to experiencing her darkness, but I’d have to say they are the world’s foremost experts on the subject.

“Then we all agree on October?”

“It’s her to perfection, Will. What is October in astrology?”

Dawn spoke right up:

“Mostly Libra, Buffy. That was Janice’s dad’s sign, I think.”

“But wait a minute, wasn’t Libra one of the worst ones for Faith?”

Willow was busy clicking between computer screens:

“But that was astrology, Xander. This is a whole different system, so we shouldn’t bring in horoscopes to try and find a connection.”

“In other words, astrology has been staked through the heart.”

“Unless everybody wants to revisit…”

“No!”

Three voices in perfect harmony and Will nodded:

“And I’m definitely making that unanimous. We’re rolling now, so there will be no treading over already much less successfully trod ground. Okay, so we’ve got October 1984, which we’re all happy with, except for that one part of it that we’re no longer mentioning ever again. All that’s left is to figure out the day, so we’ll each take eight and Xander you take seven. Hopefully one of them will really stand out more than the others.”

It was quiet as we all read and I was so happy I could hardly concentrate. We were two out of three and there was no reason to think we weren’t going to end up with a complete set. We had thirty-one chances, all we needed was one.

I had the first eight and right away One and Two got a rating of “kind of” and “sort of”. They said things like Faith was highly intuitive and had a dynamic personality, preferred doing things her own way and working by herself, and that she related emotionally to things rather than intellectually. Perfect, but not really at all because that was the two numbers smushed together, and they both also unfortunately said a lot more things that didn’t fit her even a little bit.

Faith supposedly loved personal contact and would choose a career where she could work closely with others. That was true only if beating the hell out of bad guys counted as “personal contact”. She also might choose a career in the arts because of her significant creative skills and interests, but I think by this point it has been made more than clear that she doesn’t have any. And although she likes kids and animals just fine, she certainly hasn’t surrounded herself with them and has never expressed any desire to make that happen.

“Yeah, I like dogs, but then what? Spend all your time taking care of him and he up and dies on ya in like ten years. Gonna pass on that heartbreak ‘less you gotta have one.”

I also don’t think she’s suited to a career in politics, management, or the service industry, and I won’t be holding my breath for her to voluntarily bring out her sensitive side any time soon. Yep, despite a few matches, One and Two were not Faith, and Number Three was way, way, way off base. I peeked around the table and no one else was looking like they had even a remote possibility either, let alone a winner. Come on, something had to match. We were on a roll.

And then, just like that – hello beautiful Number Four! It was Faith in all her glory, or at least a part of her glory. Lots of energy that could be used to her advantage if she could only learn how to control it. She liked to be in charge of her own destiny and to do things her way, therefore no one would ever mistake her for a team player. She was best suited for a profession that was not run of the mill and would allow her the freedom to work as an individual, but when she was fighting for a cause she believed in, she would work with others to get the job done. She was smart, fearless, and able to hold her own in almost any circumstance.

“I found her!”

I read it to them, and while everyone thought it sounded just like her, we still finished up in case there was another one just as good or even better. It wasn’t at all surprising that no other day came close and we celebrated like crazy. We’d done it.

Faith Lehane Summers was born on October 4th,1984, and just like that my wife had a birthday.

“Can you believe it, Giles?”

“Frankly no, I can’t. I must admit however, that I am more than a tad relieved as my own research efforts were to begin tomorrow, and I had not the faintest idea where to start. I was strongly considering Tarot Cards.”

“Scoff all you want, English person, but it fits her perfectly. We didn’t have to force or ignore anything.”

He did his best and I had to love him for the attempt:

“That’s something then, I suppose. So, when exactly is the big day?”

“October 4th,1984.”

“Yes? Well if accurate, she was one of the youngest girls called. It’s not all that common, but it has happened a few times. I must say though, I would have wagered on her being somewhat older than fourteen.”

I couldn’t argue that point:

“That’s what me and the guys thought too, but the numbers don’t lie, Giles.”

He didn’t say anything, choosing instead to smile like he was indulging a small child.

“Have you told her?”

“Not yet, I’m going to tell her tonight at the hotel.”

“She’ll be delighted.”

“I think so. At least she will be for me maybe.”

“Buffy, even though I’ve questioned your methods, I find it all very sweet that you’ve gone to so much trouble. I’m sure Faith will be extremely touched.”

I already had tonight’s celebration taken care of and I had a general sense of what I wanted her party to be on the actual day, so there was no time like the present to get a commitment from him. Strike while your Watcher’s in a good mood and happy for you, I always say.

“Giles, I’m going to want to have a party. The spare no expense kind.”

“Yes, I believe your somewhat over the top hotel stay has made that clear.”

“But every year doesn’t have to be like this first one! I’m just trying to make up for lost time and…”

He held up his hand to stop me in mid-pleading:

“It’s fine, Buffy, truly. Whatever you wish is what you may do. It is her first celebration after all, so spare no expense within some sort of reason, please. Now, do you perhaps have time for tea before you leave for Chicago? I thought it would be nice to have a chat without fighting for our lives and planning battle strategies as has been our lot this past week.”

I loved him so much, I had time for two cups of tea. I guess when I get right down to it, it wasn’t like I really expected anything else from him. Yes, sometimes Giles can be sort of a penny pincher, but he loves me and he loves Faith, and he lets us both get away with murder. And whenever it’s something as big as this birthday thing was to me, well the sky was always the limit and that included the Waldorf, a huge party, and anything else I could think of. That’s right, Kennedy – it’s favoritism every which way.

I sat there sipping my tea and talking about whatever popped into my head, wondering how I got so lucky to get Rupert Giles as my Watcher, a title that makes me laugh because it doesn’t even remotely come close to who he really is to me. He’s my father and it’s his face I always see at every significant moment in my life. At this point I can barely even recall my sperm donor, he’s just a distant stranger to me, someone it turns out I never really knew.

It was Giles who walked me down the aisle, who stood there with me as we watched the leaves blowing and shifting, the sunshine streaming down on Faith as she waited for me and I waited for the string quartet to begin playing my song.

“Buffy, I…”

I turned towards him and saw the tears in his eyes.

“This is the most treasured day of my life. I am so honored to be standing here, and I want you to know how proud I am of you. Not just as a Slayer, but as a woman. You, dear child, are a wonder and the absolute joy of my life.”

Thankfully he was quick to pull out his handkerchief and expertly dab so my makeup wasn’t ruined.

“Now, now, no crying allowed. At least not until your vows.”

“You started it, Giles.”

“Guilty as charged.”

He went back to a stiff upper lip, but his arm linked with mine and his eyes were still shiny.

“Your soon to be wife looks stunning, yes? I don’t recall ever seeing her in a dress before. Ah, there’s our cue at last. Ready?”

“And what may I ask, is that smile for?”

I reached over and hugged him just as tightly as I could without hurting him.

“It’s just how thinking about you makes me react. I love you, Giles.”

He hugged me back in his still awkward way:

“And I you, Buffy. Always. Now off with you to the Windy City and your child bride.”

“Giles!”

“Enjoy your time off. I shall see you in a few days.”

Fifteen minutes later I was standing in my luxurious hotel suite, at least I hoped it was mine. I didn’t see our bags, although Faith would have put them in the bedroom and I was standing in the living room. I didn’t hear or see her either.

“Faith?”

There was no answer, not a sound, and just like that my Slayer instincts kicked in. I grabbed the poker from the fireplace set of tools and silently made my way through the suite. There was nothing unusual and the only place left to check was the bathroom. The door was mostly closed, but not latched, and I entered the room ready for a fight.

There was Faith stretched out and asleep in the jacuzzi tub. I sat the poker down and stood looking at her, this woman I had been with in one way or another for nearly twenty-one years. Her face and what I could see of her body were still so beautiful, and it had nothing to do with the fact that we Original Slayers were aging slower than everybody else. No one knew the reason for it, but then no Slayers had ever stayed alive for this long, so maybe it would have been the same way for all of them.

There was no way to know for sure, but what I did know was that Faith’s beauty was just her, inside and out, and as the years rolled along she only became more of everything. Like something out of a movie, my breath caught in my chest and my heart skipped a beat when I thought of how much we loved each other and of everything we had gone through to be together. Forget it being like a movie, it was much closer to being fairytale. One of those bloody, violent, scary ones that somehow turned out to have two princesses who could both kick butt as well as meet the person of their dreams and live happily ever after.

Enough with the thinking. I quickly undressed and slowly slipped into the tub, trying hard not to wake her. Faith rarely ever took a nap, so I wanted to let her sleep for at least a little while. I had an active next few days planned for us and she was definitely going to need all of her stamina.

It’s funny how fourteen years of being lovers and sleeping together can count for quite a bit in situations like this. You get used to each other being there, moving and shifting around, and she didn’t really wake up. She just murmured my name and her arm kind of pulled me to her as she slightly changed position. Even sleeping she wanted me, and it was so romantic how she then smashed my head under the water.

I came up sputtering to the sound of her laughter.

“Hahaha! You shoulda seen your face, B.”

She thought it was so hilarious, I couldn’t do anything except laugh, although I did splash her a little before settling in at the other end of the tub. I leaned my back against the surprisingly warm porcelain and let myself sink down almost to the top of my neck. The jets were hitting most of the right spots and I felt my muscles already beginning to relax.

“So when did you know I was here?”

“Thought I heard you pop in, then you called me. Was gonna holler back, but you went all Slayer and grabbed the poker. Figured I’d surprise ya.”

“And you did. Mmm…this feels like heaven.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, but why the fuck ya way over there?”

I smiled at her without opening my eyes:

“Because I’m afraid of you now.”

She scooted closer to me:

“That’ll be the day. Everything go good with G-Man?”

“Everything went great.”

She was on the scoot again and kept coming closer, which at a certain point should have been physically impossible, but then this was Faith and that word had no meaning. I finally gave in, opened up my arms and legs, and she kissed me before turning around to lean back against me. I wrapped my arms around her as I nibbled on her neck, and just like always she squirmed, then nuzzled into me.

“Now we’re rockin’ heaven.”

Her sexy voice raised the hairs on my neck and as crazy as it seems, Faith and I are still just as hot for each other as we were on the day we met. Maybe it’s the Slayer thing, Faith thinks it’s just us, but whatever it is, essentially nothing has changed. I am of course, fully aware that it’s impossible for two people who have been lovers for as long as we have to still behave the way we do. My only answer for it is – well, now you’re dealing with both of us, and that’s just how “impossible” works when we join forces. And trust me, we do join. A lot. Except not at all during this past week full of attempted apocalypse.

We sat quietly for a while, enjoying the soothing water and my hands roaming here and there as I slowly poured gasoline on a fire that was already burning.

“This was a great idea, B. We haven’t had much downtime the last coupla weeks. Hell, even our Saturdays got screwed.”

“I know. Did I ever thank you for working extra?”

“Not enough.”

“Don’t you wish I would?”

“Every minute of every fucking day.”

We made love there in the tub, then got out, took a shower and had sex again. We dried each other off because it was clearly opposite time, then slipped into the hotel bathrobes. They were without a doubt the best robes ever made and I was buying one for each of us this time around, no matter what Faith said. I ordered room service while she started a fire…in the fireplace, although since we sat in the same chair and her hand kept finding its way underneath my robe…

“Stop it, F.”

“What if I don’t wanna?”

“The food won’t be that long and I’m starving.”

“Damn, lesbian bed death is here.”

“Yes, twenty minutes without sex definitely means I’m no longer interested.”

We sat and talked about nothing as we stared at the fire. I could barely wait to tell her about her birthday, but I wanted it to be the perfect time. I didn’t want to rush through it now or be distracted by our delicious dinner; I wanted to wait until we were all cozied up in the world’s most comfortable bed before I shared the fantastic news. I knew she wasn’t going to be as excited as I was, but she would still be interested and hopefully happy on some level.

Dinner was perfect and for dessert I had ordered us chocolate cake, my own little in-joke. When we were done, Faith shoved the cart out into the hallway and then we got into bed. It was just as cozy and comfy as I remembered it, but it was also insanely sexy which I’d left out of my initial assessment. Faith corrected me twice before we were satisfied and all settled in.

She had started a fire in the bedroom too, I mean a real one in this fireplace as well, and it made everything seem homey and romantic. It crackled and flickered shadows around the room, making her look stunning in the warm glow. She was half sitting up, her back leaning against the headboard, and I was all the way down…not like that, with my head resting on her lap. Her hand played with my hair and mine traced along her leg.

“Mmm…is this still heaven?”

“Is for me since we killed the lesbian bed death.”

“You are so stupid.”

I was taking a few minutes to gather myself after having just had my head blown off again, and it was so peaceful just to lie there with my wife. Warm, safe, satisfied, no worries or pressures, and no problems or responsibilities. Just a deliriously happy couple all alone with each other and basking in the lap of luxury.

“Yeah so, B…what’d ya come up with?”

I had no idea what she was talking about.

“What did I what now?”

“My birthday. When is it?”

I couldn’t believe she knew.

“How did you know?”

“Well, not like I just met ya, B.”

I lifted my head to look at her, and her smart ass grin was beyond cocky.

“My, my, aren’t you just the cleverest girl?”

“Sure, but got lots more shit goin’ for me. So let’s hear it, I’m all ears.”

I sat up facing her with my legs crossed and the sheet covering me:

“Well, it’s not official, but it sure seems right. Or if it’s not exactly ‘right’, it’s the best we can do, but not in a lame: Oh, we just kind of settled way. I mean, it really does seem to fit and I think…”

“Buffy, what’s with the nerves? Just say the date.”

“October 4th.”

She began laughing and it took her a while to stop.

“Damn, B, you’re amazing.”

“What does that mean?”

“Means you’re not far off the mark. Gotta give ya mad props.”

What in the world was she saying?

“What in the world are you saying?”

She lifted my hand to her lips for a kiss:

“I’m saying I know when my birthday is and you sure came wicked close.”

What in the hell? She didn’t look like she was kidding, not at all.

“Faith Lehane, you’d better explain yourself right this second.”

“Jesus, B, don’t get pissed.”

“‘Don’t get pissed?’ ‘Don’t get pissed?’ I’ve been all worked up about this for years! You said you had no idea, so I finally figured it out, and now you’re saying you knew all along? Oh my God, I am this close to killing you.”

I started to get up, but she wouldn’t let go of my hand.

“Settle down, B, and let me explain.”

I tried again to get up, but without outright fighting her it wasn’t going to happen.

“My birthday’s October 14th.”

“Just like that.”

“Yeah, just like that.”

I said nothing as I stared at her.

“Damn, Slayer, if looks could kill.”

“You know Will, Xander, and Dawn are going to want you dead too.”

She shook her head, not the slightest bit worried:

“Nah, guys’ll understand. Let me tell ya a story so you will too.”

I still wanted to kill her, but the warm smile she only ever gave to me had me calming down against my will.

“It’s not fair to look at me that way.”

“No other way I can look at you, B, ‘specially after ya did somethin’ so nice for me.”

“Fine I’ll listen, but let’s snuggle in so I’ll be less likely to punch you in the face.”

This time she was in my arms and I wondered how she got her hair so silky without ever using conditioner.

“Alright, but no questions now ‘til I get the whole thing out. Deal?”

“Sure.”

“Gonna have to do better than that, B. Slayer swear.”

She lifted her hand and extended her pinky for a proper shake which I gave to her. Satisfied, she got started and I couldn’t imagine what in the hell she was going to say.

“Okay, so there I was in a world of trouble. The sitch was wicked desperate, so I hauled ass and headed cross country. Couldn’t find what I needed so I took this lame vamp out into the alley figuring Little Miss All That would show. She did and I put on my own show trying to impress her. Like a total bad ass I used her stake to finish the job, and with just one real look at her, I felt more lust than I ever had in my whole life. You still got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

She paused for a few seconds like she was watching our meeting happen, I know I was, and then she continued.

“I got a crush on you just a few minutes later when I spilled the beans right in front of your pals ‘bout how slaying always makes ya hungry and horny, and oh holy fuck. You turned pink and the look on your face…I’m never forgetting that, B, how goddamn adorable you were. But it still wasn’t love, I’m not that easy, ya know?”

She laughed and shook her head:

“It was the next day after dinner with your mom when we were out on history’s grouchiest patrol. I’d gotten the skinny from Red and Cyclops, and it hurt me you were so sad. I started trying to get a reaction outta ya, some fire, and – What is it, the Angel thing? – sure as fuck got me one. So there I was giving you the gears, but I felt’em grindin’ around inside of me. Then they were turning faster and faster like a hamster wheel, and that was when I knew. I never felt it before and I’ve never felt it for anybody but you since. This get some and get gone girl was trapped forever, and there was no escape.”

My tears were trickling down my face as I struggled to keep my Slayer swear.

“Was a tough thing for me to deal with, guess that’d be an understatement, but no matter what went down, what I did and didn’t do, none of it changed a thing. My heart was always spinning like that hamster wheel and it still is. I love you, Buffy, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s the day I was born.”

What is a woman supposed to do when the love of her life says something like that to her? Well I started out by kissing the hell out of her and then making love to her all night long. And ordering room service out the ass. And thanking the Powers That Be for giving us the chance that we finally got smart enough to take.

The sun was coming up, we were in each other’s arms exhausted, and drifting off to sleep at last. Life was perfect in every way except…

“Faith?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Can we switch it from ‘98 to ‘84? It doesn’t sound so bad now.”

“Whatever ya want, Twinkie. Now go to sleep.”

And I did, holding tight to my birthday girl.

The End