Connections

Despite the warmth of the early evening Buffy found that she was shivering as she and Faith made their way through town. It wasn’t a cold sensation exactly, not an external cold anyway. Just the chill feeling that came with all those other roiling emotions inside her; fear, guilt, a general sense of loss as to how she came to be here. Things had been going so well a few nights ago, her and Faith were really clicking, having fun, revelling in their own uniqueness, their connection.

And then, in an instant, it seemed that everything of meaning had turned to ash, and Buffy found herself thinking of nothing else but what Faith...what they had both done. And now that memory wouldn’t stop echoing and swirling through her head, whether Buffy was sleeping or awake. Everything else in her life fading to a drab greyness.

Getting into Finch’s deserted office had been a stark reminder of the secret that hung between Buffy and the other girl, mementoes and reminders of a life ended by their hand.

And in the end the search had led to nothing conclusive, only more questions. That was until she and Faith had seen what other things had been going on at the town hall late at night.

But walking beside her Faith just seemed pumped by the revelation; it probably conformed to her grimy, cynical world view. She gave a ‘surprise’ gesture with her hands. “So the mayor of Sunnydale’s a black hat. Shocker, huh?”

Buffy couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm with her reply. “Actually, yeah. I didn’t get that badguy vibe off him.”

Faith just smiled and continued on, breezily cynical in her knowing-ness. “When are you gonna learn, B? It doesn’t matter what kind of ‘vibe’ you get off a person. ‘Cause nine times outta ten the face their showing you is not the real one.”

Buffy almost flinched at the other girl’s tone that, to Buffy, held a mocking edge. As she stepped up onto the curb Buffy continued to wonder how Faith could act like this, how could she be so unaffected, so heartless?

Buffy stopped walking and looked at Faith, maybe if she prodded at her she’d see something, some ghost of regret or sorrow like she’d seen surface briefly  back at the office, the shadow of repentance that had crossed Faith’s face.

“I guess you’d know a lot about that.”

Faith turned to look at Buffy, shaking her head, uncertain. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Buffy felt like throwing up her arms in exasperation. “It’s just, look at you Faith. Less than twenty-four hours ago you killed a man. And now it’s all zippidee doo-dah. That’s not your real face and I know it.”Buffy thought she saw that shadow of an expression again. Faith looked away, her knowing smile faltering. So Buffy pressed her, tried to make a connection. “I know what you’re feeling because I’m feeling it too.”

Faith’s eyes went flat and expressionless, and just like that her defences were up. “Do you? So fill me in ‘cause I’d like to hear this.”

Buffy just looked at her levelly. “Dirty. Like something sick creeped inside you and you can’t get it out. And you keep on hoping that it was just some nightmare but it wasn’t. And we are gonna have to figure out-“

Faith interrupted, cutting her off, still unmoved. “Is there going to be an intermission in this?”

Buffy paused. She felt like this, here, was a key moment; like that instant in Faith’s motel room before, when Faith had called after her, only to leave whatever it was she wanted to say unsaid. When Buffy had failed to reach Faith before, to gain her trust, to make that connection to the only other girl in the world who could truly know what it was like to be her.

Buffy had to think of something, some way to get Faith to open up and...

Suddenly Buffy thought of something, possibly a way. She stepped closer to the other girl but Faith, arms folded expectantly, just smiled. “Think up a good one.”

“You want to know the truth, Faith. I know exactly how you feel, because this, all this, has happened to me before. I’ve...I killed somebody, last year.”Buffy shook her head at the memory but she still caught Faith’s startled reaction. “It was an accident, I didn’t mean to, but it happened...There was this guy, he was dating my Mom. They were getting...really serious there for a while. All my friends really liked him, this guy who just...who seemed to be invading my life and my family-“

Faith had managed to get her composure back, her voice now hard and disbelieving. “And you just went ahead and whacked him, is that it, B?”

Buffy pressed her lips into a firm line. “Just listen, will you. Then you can make your jokes.”

She paused before taking a shaky breath, “His name was Ted, he was some computer salesman guy that my Mom had been seeing. She introduced him to me and my friends...I guess in my mind I always thought that she and my Dad would get back together, so I was a brat about it. I didn’t like him. But then I saw another side to him, when we were alone, he would get all bossy and aggressive and really... acted like he was already in charge of us or something.”

Faith spoke up again, but her voice was softer, still doubtful, but like she was trying to make sense of things. “So how come you never mentioned any of this before?”

Buffy sniffed loudly and gave a soft laugh. “Not exactly my finest hour, y’know? So, anyway, I came in from patrol one night, in through my bedroom window, and he was there waiting for me.” Buffy shook her head at the thought, “He’d been through my things, my weapons and stuff, even my diary. Read all about my slaying, he thought I was crazy, he was going to send me to a mental hospital if I got in the way or whatever, with him and my Mom. Then He, uh, tried to leave with my diary, I tried to stop him and he hit me.”

Faith was silent, staring at the ground. But her eyes flicked up. “Did he do anything else?”

Buffy frowned at that. “Like what?”

Faith looked away and shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just some guys like to...forget it. So then what happened?”

Buffy started walking a little, her legs felt weak and cramp-y so she had the urge to stretch them. She passed Faith on the sidewalk, the dark haired girl keeping pace with her. “Well, I pretty much let him have it after that. He was a big guy, or so I thought at the time, and I really laid into him.” Buffy hugged herself, “A part of me actually enjoyed it, kicking the crap out of him...but I kicked him too hard and he fell down the stairs. And Mom, she saw everything. She went to him when he was on the ground...but he didn’t have a pulse. I-I thought I’d killed him.”

Faith said nothing; maybe she didn’t know what to say. Maybe she was thinking that the two of them weren’t so different after all.

Buffy refocused and continued on. “Then the police came and questioned us. But, well, with Mom as a witness I claimed self-defence. It got around school pretty quick what had happened, not the exact details but the police and everything. And my friends were supportive, they asked what kind of demon was he... but he wasn’t.” She shuddered, “That whole day I thought... I was convinced that I’d killed him; Mom wouldn’t even look at me. Then, that night, he came back.”

Faith stopped cold. “So you didn’t kill him,” she said flatly.

Buffy turned to her shook her head. “I got lucky, Faith. That’s all. If he’d been a normal guy, he’d be dead and I would’ve been the one who’d killed him. As it was, it turned out that Ted was a robot.”

“A robot?” Faith was incredulous then she gave a harsh laugh, “Man, you really had me going there with this whole ‘I’ve been there’ routine. The abusive wannabe step-dad was a nice touch though, I gotta hand it to you.”

Buffy caught Faith’s hand. “Faith, I’m telling the truth, I swear it.”

Faith pulled her hand back and stepped away, her mouth set in a hard smirk, her hands gesturing wildly. “Yeah, sure. I mean, I don’t know about you but I’m out fighting robots every other week. Hell, I’m known for it. ‘Faith vee the robots of Satan’, that’s my Friday night.”

Buffy stepped towards her, throwing up her arms again. “Go ahead, ask anyone. Ask Xander or-or Giles. Ask them about Ted, my Mom’s last boyfriend. Ask my Mom and you’ll see a classic example of her denial-vision in twenty-twenty. Faith, I swear it’s true, and the reason I’m telling you is because I’ve been where you’ve been.”

Faith sneered angrily at her. “Good for you. Buffy Summers, appliance killer.”

Buffy didn’t respond to that. She looked Faith in the eyes. “I’m telling Giles.”

Faith’s eyes narrowed. “No way. We’re not bringing anybody else into this.”

Buffy felt the pleading tone enter her voice again, even though she knew that it wouldn’t do any good. “I can’t, I can’t keep doing this, knowing what we did. We can trust Giles, Faith. I know we can.”

Faith jabbed a finger at her. “Yeah, sure. If it was your ass on the line, B. But its not-“

Buffy willed her voice to remain firm. “Then I’ll tell him it was me.”

That stopped Faith. She shook her head in confusion. “What?”

As calmly as she could Buffy pressed on. “You don’t trust Giles, I do. So I’ll tell him it was me, that I killed Finch, and that it was an accident. God, with all the confusion in the alley it could’ve just as easily been me.”

Faith didn’t say anything, just scowled disbelievingly.

Buffy tentatively continued, trying to sound reasonable. “You’ll have to come with me Faith, you’ll have to say that you panicked and dumped the body, I can’t lie about that. But I can make Giles believe the other stuff, that it was me.”

She touched Faith gently on the shoulder. “Please, let me do this.”

Faith thought about it for a long moment.  She stared suspiciously at Buffy. “So, when are y’gonna do this? Get all confessional?”

Buffy felt like her chest was unseizing. Faith was onboard; she’d had actually agreed to be there. Buffy didn’t even care that she’d have to lie to Giles. She wouldn’t have to hold onto the terrible secret. Surely there was something Giles could do.

Buffy felt the relief flood her, she wasn’t happy, not by a long shot, but this, this was progress.

She nodded shakily. “Tomorrow. We’ll tell him tomorrow after school. Okay?”

Faith didn’t say anything for a long time. Then slowly she just shook her head at Buffy. “Whatever.” With that she turned and walked off into the night.

*~~*

Buffy entered the library after class, all day she’d felt apprehensive but at least she’d managed a little sleep the night before. No feeling of the crushing weight of guilt. She’d done something bad and now she would come clean. It would be nice if she’d seen Faith earlier, for a show of support if nothing else.

“Giles?”

She saw Giles step from his office, his face drawn in concern. “Buffy.” He said simply, he sounded tired.

Buffy tried to calm her nerves so as not to start babbling. “Giles. Hi... Look, I know I should’ve come to you sooner, b-but I really need to tell you something important-“

Giles shook his head. “It’s alright Buffy, Faith already told me everything. She came here, last night.”

“Oh.” Buffy felt a pang of irritation that Faith didn’t trust her enough to know that if Buffy said that she would take the blame, then that’s what she would do, “Well, I came to tell you that I-I’m sorry, that I should’ve told you sooner. But, Faith and I, we both freaked after I stabbed him...I swear it was an accident Giles.”

Giles soft expression of sympathy turned to puzzlement. “Buffy, what on earth are you talking about? I’ve just spent half of last night coaxing the full story out of Faith. First, she wanted to know about the incident with Ted and your Mother and then after that she, well, ah, she told me what happened. That she killed Finch and then, regrettably, tried to cover it up.”

Buffy blinked in surprise. “Faith... she said what?”

“She confessed, Buffy. Which, considering her trust issues, I take it you had something to do with?”

Buffy nodded and Giles rubbed his forehead, “Well, I comforted her with the fact that these, ah, incidents do happen, that the slayer fights a war, nightly. That in no way diminishes the tragedy of this particular act, but in this case it was clearly an unfortunate accident.”

Buffy nodded, tremulous in her relief. Faith had done the right thing. “But, what happens now?”

Giles was thoughtful. “In most cases, the council investigates, metes out punishment if punishment is due, but I have no plans to involve them. Faith and the council are at odds enough as it is, this will only make things worse.”Giles looked pointedly at Buffy, “Faith is unstable right now Buffy, and she’ll need help and guidance in the coming weeks. I’ll help as best I can but I think if you... if you could be there to support her, perhaps with the help of the others.”

Buffy bit her lip in thought. “Where is she now?”

“Oh, she went back to her motel. She had rather a lot on her plate, it has to be said. I thought she might need the space.”

“I’ll go and see her now, Giles.”

“Yes, yes of course.”

Soon Buffy was making her way across town to Faith’s place, her thoughts reeling. Faith had trusted her, or at the very least trusted Giles, and Buffy didn’t want to wait to tell Faith that she’d made the right choice. To tell her that things could be like they had been before between them.

Buffy got the motel to find Faith packing.

The other girl was throwing her few lowly belongings into a bag. Not in a mad panic like the night they had both fought Kakistos, but slower, more methodical. Resigned. Faith turned when Buffy opened the door.

Buffy stared at the half packed bag, at Faith’s sad, unreadable expression. “Faith? What are you doing?”

Faith started over to her set of drawers again, pulling out a couple of ratty t-shirts and sighed. “There’s a freighter on the docks with my name on it, B. Not fancy but its enough to get me gone.”

Buffy felt queasiness developing in her stomach. “You’re leaving?”

Faith gave a smirking shake of her head. “I guess its one of those ‘blonde’ days, huh? Yeah, B, I thought I’d go out on a low, y’know. Done enough damage, and since Giles isn’t gonna turn me in...” She couldn’t finish the sentence.

She walked back over to the bed to grab a last handful of clothes.

Buffy shrugged as she watched Faith back the last of her things. “So that’s it? You’re taking the easy way out, again.”

Faith swung the bag onto her shoulder. “Yeah, I mean, its gonna be a struggle gettin’ through the day without your judgemental tone, but somehow I’ll manage.”

Buffy softened her attitude. “You don’t have to run, Faith. It’s not too late, okay? There’s no reason that you couldn’t find a place here, with friends, somewhere to belong.”

Faith shook her head. “I’ll be better off someplace else, and so will you.” She gestured at Buffy, “You wanna get away from the door there?”

Buffy sighed but didn’t move. “Faith, just listen to me-“

“Jeez, B, what the hell do you want from me?”

“Your help.” Buffy said simply, “I need your help. I need you here to help me. Last night I found out that the Mayor of this town has teamed up with the vamp that’s been gunning for me, for us, all year. And I need you to watch my back.”

Faith scowled and shook her head. “Yeah, ’cause you and me are such solid buds.”

Buffy smiled at the other girl. “We could be. After last night I know I can trust you, and I hope that you know that you can trust me. You said that we were the Chosen two, right? Well, the chosen two don’t bail on each other, not when there’s a big fight coming. And if there’s one thing I know you can do Faith, its fight.”

She met the other girl’s eyes, “I’m tired of doing this alone. Please, Faith, I’m saying... I’m asking for your help.”

Faith looked away from her, her eyes flicking around the room, maybe looking for some sign. “I can’t stay here anymore. Not after-”

“You made a mistake.” Buffy interrupted, “And I’m telling you that you’re not alone in that. You know what stops me from making mistakes? My friends. Not being alone, having people in my life that I care about and who care about me. And you can have that too. You just have to trust me.”

Faith looked confused for a moment before shaking her head slightly and smirked. “I mean I can’t stay in the motel anymore, B. Not after I packed up all my crap. Plus, I’m flat broke.”

Buffy paused. “Oh.” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Right.”

“Man, you’ve really got to stop with the speechifying there, Buffy. Got enough of that from Giles last night.”

Buffy wanted clarification. “So, you’re going to stay?”

“Sharp as a rock, that’s you.” Faith smiled at Buffy’s slightly put out look, “But if I’m gonna watch your back I’m gonna need a roof over my head. You gonna oblige?”

Buffy nodded, feeling a swell of relief not for the first time today. “I think we’ve a place you can use.”

Faith shrugged nonchalantly. “Cool. Lead the way, B.”

*~~*

3 Months Later

Buffy blinked as the smoke and chaos continued to curl around her. Everything was washed red in the emergency lighting of ambulances and fire engines. She felt the numbness of what she’d achieved slowly start to seep from her, leaving the heady buzz of adrenaline in its wake.

Then she felt it, his eyes, their connection. Buffy turned and saw Angel standing a distance away, wreathed in pale smoke, stark against the night. He met her gaze in silence, his expression making Buffy ache in that way that seemed so familiar these past weeks, ever since Prom, even since she’d cried her heart out to a sympathetic Willow. That feeling that had stayed even when, while eating comfort ice-cream, Faith had angrily grouched about guys in general and had then happily offered to stake Angel for her, or hold him down while Buffy did the deed.

Even as Buffy thought back she watched as, with one last look of regret, Angel turned and walked out of the night, out of her life.

Another ending, the end of high school, of childhood, of a first love, of study groups in the library, of sitting in the lounge. All important things that could never be reclaimed, up in smoke along with the Mayor and the last of Trick’s men. A broken connection.

Buffy sighed, tried to let go of that hurt and regret, let her mind flow to the happy, victory place where it should be.

And then she felt it again, that tingle of a connection, the shivery sensation like she got when Angel was nearby, but he was...

“Hey, B.” Faith, still a little bloody and soot stained from the fighting came over. All dimpled smiles. Her trademark bow gripped in one hand as she gave Buffy the once over, “Paramedics seen to you yet? ‘Cause I’d try an’ avoid ‘em if I was you. A real pain in the ass.”She shook her head in exasperation.

Buffy smiled tiredly at the other girl, shrugging off her case of the tingles. “Managed to avoid their attention thus far. How are you doin’?”

Faith laughed huskily. “Gotta blow up a high school. Feelin’ pretty sweet about it too. Totally adds to my bad girl street-cred.”

Buffy let out a short laugh, feeling better already. “And the part where we got chased by the demon?”

Faith let out a triumphant whoop and a fist pump. “That was the best part!”

Buffy raised an eyebrow. “I begin to find you troubling.”

Faith just shrugged easily. “Well, we were shootin’ it in the face, B. What didja think was gonna happen? All part o’ the plan. It worked, we rock. Learn it.”

Buffy gave a dry nod. “Check. I will. Learn that. When my brain starts working again.”

Faith gave her a sympathetic look. “Should this be a quiet time?”

Buffy grinned at that and started walking, skirting the crowds and emergency personnel to find somewhere quieter. “I’m good. I have all my basic motor functions intact. A little overwhelmed is all.”

Faith followed and nodded, a little more introspective now. “Hell of an end to a weird year.”

Buffy found a calm spot and sat on the grassy verge, absently scanning the crowds for her friends. “Uh-huh.”

Faith squatted next to her, plucking at some blades of grass. “Not positive but I think this is maybe almost a year to the day that I, y’know, was ‘chosen,’” she said with air quotes.

Buffy smiled at that and turned to Faith. “Really? Quite a milestone then.”

Faith frowned at the ground. “A lot’s happened.”

Buffy reckoned that Faith was talking about her own personal journey, so Buffy decided to outline a few things. “Sunnydale wasn’t ever the same again after you arrived.”

“Killed myself some vamps, made my mark.”

“With your fashion sense as much as your slaying.” Buffy teased lightly. “Oh, and you wrestled with a werewolf.”

“Not half as fun as wrastlin’ alligators.” Faith smirked before frowning, “Is that why Red still doesn’t like me?”

Buffy shook her head. “She’s just protective of me, that’s all.”

Faith scoffed at that. “Jealous you mean.”

Buffy tried to defend her. “She’s just a wee bit intimidated, that’s all. She doesn’t get our slayer-thing.”

Faith grinned indecently. “You make us sound like we’re dating, B.”

Buffy squirmed slightly in embarrassment. “That’s not... We’ve just been spending a lot of time together.” Buffy quickly hurried on, “Anyway, other things you did this year. You wore a dress, twice.”

Faith sighed wistfully. “My first Homecoming. Didn’t think you noticed. You seemed pretty busy that night.”

“No, I saw. And I also know that you ruined Scott Hope’s date.” She smiled at Faith’s surprised look, “Oh, I found out about that a while ago, and I in no way thank you and your underhandedness. “

“No prob.” Faith muttered then continued along her train of thought, “Got me an evil Watcher.”

Buffy smirked. “The first one to get fired, or should that be fried?”

Faith grinned at the memory. “You see the look on Wesley’s face when we both quit? I was like the flag up his butt doubled in size.”

Buffy nodded in agreement even as she nudged the other girl with her shoulder. “Thanks for doing that by the way. Backing me up. I know you’re not Angel’s biggest fan-”

“Aw, what’s a few quarts of slayer blood between buds, right? A couple from me, a few from you, a cookie and then a sugar rush. No sweat, right?”

Buffy looked at the other slayer. “I mean it. I know you got mad at him over the whole Prom thing...”

Faith blew out a breath in disbelief. “For a two hundred plus guy his timing’s all off. Still didn’t wanna see him go out that way. Okay, for a sec it was touch and go there, but-”

“You didn’t.” Buffy finished.

Faith shrugged bashfully. “Hey, what are friends for?”

Buffy couldn’t resist the tease. “Is that why you went to Prom with Xander?”

“I had the killer dress,” Faith tried valiantly to defend herself. “And the guy was beyond pathetic. B. He literally had no other choice. ‘Sides’ after we got all... after I blew him off that time, I figured I owed it to him to do somethin’ nice for once.”

Buffy prodded her. “Plus making up for how you tormented the poor guy, after those telepathy demons made you all psychic.”

Faith grinned at the forgotten thought. “Oh, yeah. Couldn’t help myself there.”

Buffy mimicked Faith’s incredulous tone. “You want to do what to me Xander? While Buffy and me pillow fight?”

Faith sniggered. “And then he ran off.”

“A clear sign of guilt.”

Buffy sighed contentedly before she got back on topic, “How did that turn out for you anyhow? Y’know, all that mushy dancing?”Buffy remembered that night fondly enough, but she had been in her own little world for most of it.

“He ended up spending half the night with some chick called Anya.” Seeing Buffy’s look she shrugged, “What? I don’t do ‘slow dances’, not my style.”

Buffy tilted her head in acknowledgement. “Still, it worked out okay, in the end.”

Faith frowned at that. “Maybe. Look, what I’m tryin’ to say is that I was, this whole year was a crazy ride for me and, well, I was at a real low point a few months back and you were... you were my friend when I wasn’t thinking straight. And, I know that Giles and Angel helped me cope a little bit but it was... it was really you putting yourself out there when I had no right to expect...”

Buffy put a hand on her arm. “Hey, Faith, we’re past this, okay? You’ve put yourself out there plenty of times since then. Getting those Ascension Books, and fighting off Trick in doing it, talking a gun-toting Jonathan down from the clock tower...”

Faith almost rolled her eyes. “Hey, it’s not like the guy had a monopoly on crappy high school experiences, y’know. We’ve all been there.”

Buffy nodded and then continued, gently. “The point I’m making is that I wouldn’t have liked to get through this year without you by my side, and that’s the truth.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Faith added awkwardly, then smirked, “So, college next year, huh?”

Buffy smiled blissfully. “Not even thinking about it.”

Faith chuckled. “Y’know B, when you have boyfriends in college, you’re actually allowed to have sex with ‘em. I think it’s even expected.”

Buffy shot her a look. “My boyfriend literally left town ten minutes ago, Faith. I’m not really thinking about any other guy.”

Faith smiled slyly. “Girls then. That’s also expected.”

Buffy reddened at that, but on impulse decided to play along. “You never can tell. Trying new things is totally my bag. If I’m gonna go for somebody with a pulse, then it very well could be a female somebody.” Buffy sighed wistfully and eyed the dark haired girl, “Play your cards right Faith-”

Faith held up her hands in protest. “Wow, wow, what makes you think I’m even interested there, blondie. You are one high maintenance chick.”

Buffy looked incredulous. “Hey, don’t blame me; you’re the one who brought it up. And I am not high maintenance. I might be, on occasion, a little needy, or perhaps moody. But for a slayer I’m very well-adjusted, thank you very much.”

That was when Buffy saw her friends grouped over by the car park, all silently regarding the wreckage of the high school.

Then Faith leaned over and purred into her ear. “Come to think of it, I do like playing cards, B. Pretty good at it too.”

And then there was that shiver again. That feeling like a distant whisper of lightning running down her spine, making Buffy tingle. Buffy blinked and looked over at Faith, like she was seeing her for the first time.

Buffy thought about it. “So, if this really is the end of year one for ‘Faith the Vampire Slayer’, what d’you say we do something to mark the occasion.” Buffy’s eyes sparkled at a memory, “Do you maybe... what do you say to some ribs, y’know, after we get done here?”

Faith blinked in surprise, but recovered her cool quickly enough, and grinned widely. “I’d say, ‘hey there ribs, you look good enough to eat.’” Then Faith stood up as Buffy did, “But B, you sure you wanna? It’s gettin’ kinda late.”

Buffy smiled at the other girl. “I think we’ve waited long enough for those ribs, don’t you.” With that she took Faith’s hand and walked over to her friends.

Buffy thought of her friends, thought about her Mom, about Giles, about a life without Angel or the Watcher’s council.

There were many endings happening here tonight, but also with that, the possibility of new beginnings. Of changing and reconnecting. Of re-evaluating what was important.

Faith was a big part of that, a big part of what had made this year so wild and exciting and scary and important. The girl from Southie, the other Slayer. Chosen and at the same time wanting to be picked, a frenetic whirlwind that had shot into Buffy’s life and mixed things up.

Different to Buffy in so many ways but similar to her in all those fundamental ones.

And she changed her life in that one important aspect. She was no longer alone.

Buffy smiled to herself, it had been a weird year, one hell of a ride.

Buffy looked at Faith.

Faith smiled back, her expression both happily carefree yet also knowing. Like she knew what was coming next and didn’t mind it at all.

Yep, quite a year. So here’s to the next.